"Hello, and welcome to another edition of Elfography, the show where we look at famous elves past and present, dead and alive and wonder what they were thinking when they did what they did. I am your host, Haldir. Tonight we shall look at a subject which is close to my heart...seriously...no really...he is! Will you stop looking at me like that? Look, when you work for someone for so long you tend to develop feelings for that person and-what are you doing now? What do you mean we're on? We can't be on...I was just practicing! Oh (censored)! Anyway...tonight's subject is on my Lord and all around gorgeous creature, Celeborn, former Lord of Lothlorien. I mean how can you not look longingly at him with those beautiful gray and blue eyes, that long silver hair, that firm body and that long, long...oh I would love to have that Silver Tree grow inside me! Oh yes! Oh...oh...sorry. I got carried away there for a second. Will you stop laughing at me? I can't help that he does that to me! All right, fine! I'll start with the introduction."
"Celeborn was well known to others, from a kinsman of Thingol, to ruling over both Eregion and Lorien...and maybe Lindon too, we're not sure on that but we do know that he was known as a wise creature and a father to Celebrian and supposedly...supposedly...who was that guy again?"
"Amaroth, jackass."
"Yes, King Amaroth, the first ruler of Lothlorien, but whether that was true or not...well, we will find out tonight as I and several others who knew him well-including myself-will speak out tonight as we will show this exclusive profile tonight. We start out with the First Age of Middle Earth, where everything was just beginning to get interesting...and his past was as clear a mud puddle. But what we do know, we tell to you tonight..."
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"The origins of Celeborn are questionable to say the least. We investigated thoroughly throughout Middle Earth to find some answers...and just found that most of those who would have known are either dead or took back off to Valinor. When that didn't help, we traveled to Valinor and even to the Halls Of Mandos to find answers...and only found other elves tripping the lights fantastic on any kind of mushroom they could find. However, we did find some sober elves...who pretty much just told us everything we already knew-so we just said screw it and went straight to the source, Celeborn himself and his wife Galadriel."
"It's rather quite funny how some of those still argue about where I was from. It's no big deal. Some say I was a Teleri elf living on the shores of the sea, and other came up with the most ridiculous version of all that I have ever heard being that I was Noldoran and was from Valinor was just stupid because if I was from Valinor, I would have met Galadriel and scored with her a lot sooner than I did and never left Valinor in the first place or at least headed back like her father did. Heh Heh. No, I am a Sindarin royal who always was from Doriath and always was a kinsman to Thingol and the like. However, sadly, my real childhood name was...Teleporno-something I will never, ever, ever forgive my parents for. I'm still not speaking to them...if they're still alive. Like I could care if they were or not."
"Hey, all I could remember from the whole mess was that I had left Valinor along with all my kin and I was just dying to get away from Feanor and his bratty kids...since it seemed I had pissed them off by not giving Feanor a strand of my hair...what is the deal with everyone and my hair? Of course, there was that whole Silmaril thing too. Anyway, I was trying to get away from all that. Thankfully since me and my own brothers had connection in Doriath...goodness knows what we had to do to get in...but eventually we did and there I met him and fell for him hard...goodness knows what I was thinking. Anyway, back then he was a real swinging kind of guy...always out for partying and mingling-if you know what I mean. I just guess he was just like that to make up for that crappy name...like I should talk..."
"Yes, I met Galadriel in Doriath-of course she was still called Nerwen back then-she was related to another one of Thingol’s relatives and she decided to stick around and very cleverly decided not to follow her brothers to...wherever they were going, and that attracted me to her instantly. She was very smart, even in that day and age...kind of hard to understand when she got in that rhyming mood, but I guess she picked that up in Valinor. Of course, I wasn't exactly keen on her brothers to begin with since one of them kept mistaking my hair for being gray...which always gets on my nerves. It's not gray, it's not white...it's silver, (censored)! Then there was the time one of them discovered my childhood drawing with that metal stuck in my mouth."
"Yes, it seems that Celeborn-or Teleporno back then-shouldn't have been called Silver Tree but Silver Teeth considering that all those metal braces in his mouth made his early life difficult...something else he never forgave his parents for. Moving on...so we both dallied around Doriath for a while, I got a job as one of Melian's maidens making dresses and stuff and he supported himself by helping Thingol out with some odd jobs and most importantly we gave each other new names, with him naming me Galadriel, which was cute when I found out what it meant and me calling him Celeborn...at least in public."
"We had a pretty good life until that whole Silmaril mess came back to haunt us and we had to head east toward Lorien to hide out from the battles. Hey, I'm a lover, not a fighter...most the time...about the fighter...I am a fighter some of the time...when I have to be, and I didn't have to be then. I heard about some prime real estate over there and I decided to check it out. Galadriel didn't like me ducking out so easily, but she ended up thanking me later when all her brothers stupidly got killed, but then we all know about that, so we shouldn't have to go into it, eh?"
"Finally the Valar came and cleared out Morgoth and all his lackeys...except for Sauron and a balrog or two but that won't come into things until later."
"After that we decided that we had known each long enough...in more ways than one...and decided what better time to get married. It was the end of the First Age and everything was looking so promising, so we said why not. Biggest mistake I ever made...if I had known back then what kind of action I could have gotten, I would have never gone through with it. What about my family? You never had to meet Elrond...unfortunatly I had to several times, and if you did you would think the grandkids weren't worth it despite their grand destinies...considering how they turned out. If he had only chosen to be mortal like his brother Elros, none of this would have happened. And my own kids...ugh, don't get me started...kid, I mean kid! I only had one!"
"Despite what both Galadriel and Celeborn told us, we decided to ask around and to our surprise when we were allowed to enter the Halls Of Mandos for exclusives interviews from those of the dead who knew them both, we got some surprising answers ranging from Thingol himself to several of Galadriel's kin."
"Celeborn...what a lazy oaf! All he ever did was sit around the house, get drunk and hit on any blonde in the palace! He had this real thing for blondes...can't say that I disagree with him there."
"Man, you guys remember Celeborn?"
"Who?"
"Celeborn...you know, Teleporno."
"Heh heh...Teleporno."
"Yeah, that's always funny...but do any of you remember him?"
"Nah."
"He really wasn't the type who was easy to remember."
"But I still got that picture of him with the braces!"
"Woah...I got to see that (censored)."
"Yeah, give it here."
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"Hmmmm....has a thing for blondes. There may be hope for me yet. Will you two stop laughing! What do you mean we're back on? We still have some stuff left about him in the First Age. What do you mean we don't? That's all we could find! Are you sure our research team is not just being lazy again? Are you sure you're sure? All right, I'll take your word for it. Bung holes. Hey, I heard that! Next, we'll cover him during the events of the Second Age including his involvements ruling Eregion, visiting Belfalas and crashing Rivendell when it was found. We will also discuss his dislike of dwarves, his refusal to go to Moria, his involvement with the Battle Of The Last Alliance...yes, he was there...somewhat, also we will be discussing his personal and family life including his daughter Celebrian's relationship with Elrond, how they met and the incident with Amaroth and all that...and we'll bring up some stuff involving his old lady too. Shut up! We'll be right back. I'm warning you guys, if you don't stop I'm going to pound you like I used to! Like I'm going to pound Celeborn when I get him alone? I don't mean that kind of pounding! Hey, shut up! I'm gonna get you two..."