| "Elrond," Celebrían said
in her most serious voice. "I am going to ask you a question, and I
want you to answer me truthfully." Elrond, who was cutting up a grapefruit at the time, absently said, "Of course, my darling. Anything." "Are you sexually attracted to me?" For a moment, Elrond froze. But only for a moment. Then he forced a horrible smile. "What a silly thing to say," he answered. "My love for you is as vast as the sea." "That's not what I wanted to know," Celebrían said sharply. "I asked if you find me attractive. And how many hours would you say you spend per day, on average, fantasising about having sex with me?" Elrond's smile wobbled. "Oh. Um. ...All of them?" A dark sort of look crossed Celebrían's face. "But, erm, why do you ask?" Elrond ventured in a timid voice. "Just for the record..." "Last night," said Celebrían, "while we were in bed, I distinctly heard you mutter a dirty word." "Oh? What word?" Celebrían sat down at the table, directly across from Elrond, and stared him squarely in the eye. "Gil-galad." Elrond's smile fell completely. In fact, he looked panicked. "I didn't!" he stammered. "Impossible! Never!" "Gil-galad," Celebrían repeated. "And it's not the first time either. I've been keeping track of these little slips, you know. Forty-six times in the past year. Forty-six, Elrond! After you promised me he meant nothing to you any more!" "I have? I did? I... I don't recall..." Elrond said feebly. "This has gone on too long." Slapping her hands down flat on the table, Celebrían leaned forward. "Either you get over Gil-galad, or I will make you get over him." Elrond winced. "That's a bit harsh, my dear. I mean, you can't exactly force somebody to do something like that..." "You just watch me," was all Celebrían said. ~ "The way I see it," she told Erestor some hours later, "is that he's continuing to hold on after all these years because he never had a proper chance to say goodbye and break things off respectably." Erestor wasn't really listening. He shrugged and made a vaguely supportive sound. "Of course that's impossible now that Gil-galad's dead," Celebrían went on. "But I can't have Elrond keeping this nonsense up indefinitely. So this is where you come in." "Hmm, yes," said Erestor. He checked off a column of numbers in his ledger. Celebrían beamed at him. "I'm glad to hear you agree. I've been thinking about this for a while now, and this morning I realised it's the only way to get things settled. I need you to pretend to be Gil-galad. You will spend tonight with Elrond, and tomorrow morning, he can break off with you properly, and it will all be over." Erestor nodded. "Sounds lovely." "Excellent! I'll see you in our bedroom tonight, then." It took Erestor a moment to catch up with what Celebrían had just said, and by the time he did, she was already halfway across the room and heading out the door. A look of horror passed over his features as he cycled back over Celebrían's scheme. "Wait!" he shouted. "Celebrían, wait, come back here! What did you just say?!" "I said I'd see you in our bedroom tonight," she told him. "You can pretend to be Gil-galad, and you and Elrond-" Erestor shook his head rapidly, so that it looked almost like a shudder, which it may very well have been. "No!" he said. "No! Just... no! I can't do that!" Celebrían's face fell. "Why not?" "Because it's not going to work!" With an exasperated sigh, Erestor rubbed his hands over his face. "Elrond is never going to mistake me for Gil-galad. That's just ridiculous." "No?" Celebrían pouted. "Not even if he were very, very drunk." "Why not?" Erestor rolled his eyes and bit his tongue to keep from saying something rude. "Because for one thing," he explained in his calmest voice, "We are completely different sizes. Gil-galad was quite tall. I am quite average." "Oh... I suppose you're right," Celebrían was forced to agree. She frowned. "This isn't going to work, then. And I'll be stuck with a Gil-galad-obsessed husband forever!" "Weeeelllllll..." Erestor said slowly. "I didn't say your plan was impossible. I just said it wouldn't work with me playing the role of Gil-galad. Instead of me, you need somebody who's the right size. That way, if Elrond is drunk enough, at least it will feel like the right person." Considering the suggestion, Celebrían nodded. "That's right... Somebody different... But who?" Erestor gave her a particularly evil grin. "I suggest you ask Glorfindel to do it." ~ Glorfindel flatly refused. "It's out of the question," he said. "No. Absolutely not. I will do no such thing." "But Glorfindel, I need your help!" Celebrían pleaded. "This is important! You'd be doing a great and noble service!" "But it'll never work! Elrond would have to be not only drunk, but also blind to be fooled by such a ridiculous plan! In case you hadn't noticed, I look nothing like Gil-galad!" "Ah, but you're the right size," said Erestor. "And you're the right colour," Glorfindel snapped back. "You do it." "Glorfindel. We both know that it's far more practical to put you in a wig than have me increase my body mass by twenty percent before nightfall." With a smug smile, he raised his arm toward Glorfindel. In his hand was something that looked rather like a black mop head. Glorfindel looked from Erestor to Celebrían. "You're both mad. Completely insane." "Please, Glorfindel, please!" said Celebrían, and she gave him her most endearing eyelash flutter. "No," he repeated. Though a little less resolutely than before. Celebrían wiggled closer, until she was squished up right next to him. "But you simply must help," she said in a soft voice. "I'm at wit's end. I know it's a lot to ask, and I wouldn't even consider this if it weren't terribly important. I'd do anything to help poor Elrond." "This is an awfully big anything," Glorfindel muttered. "Mm, yes. And I'd be more than happy to perform an equal duty myself, you know." Glorfindel scowled. "But nobody's asking you to wear a wig and pretend to be Gil-galad." "Oh for the love of Elbereth, you stupid oaf!" Celebrían half shouted. "I just said I'd be more than happy to do anything! To help Elrond." It took a moment, but Glorfindel's eyes widened and he said, "Oh!" in a significant way. Celebrían smiled, and he put his arm around her. "Erestor," he said, looking back over his shoulder, "go away, will you?" "Not until you take this," said Erestor. He held out his arm again and shook the wig in Glorfindel's direction. "That's right," Celebrían added. "I'll only be open to shady propositions after you've been Gil-galad for the night." Glorfindel looked torn. He glanced at Celebrían, glanced at the wig, shuddered, and turned back to Celebrían. "I hate you both," he hissed through is teeth as he grabbed the wig out of Erestor's hand with more force than was probably necessary. "Wonderful!" said Celebrían, and she patted his bum. "Be sure to tell us how it goes!" Glorfindel only made an irritated grunting noise as he skulked off toward Elrond's room. "Do you think it will work?" Celebrían asked Erestor once Glorfindel had gone. "No," said Erestor, shaking his head. "But the situation should be highly entertaining, at least." ~ The next morning, Glorfindel was not on speaking terms with Erestor. He would only relate what had happened with Elrond to Celebrían, and then only while in the bath and only while she gave him a shoulder rub with coconut oil. "He wasn't fooled at all by that ridiculous wig," Glorfindel said. "Actually, it caused him to laugh so hard he nearly made himself sick. But then I had him drink half a jug of spirits, and that eased things up considerably. Only I drank the other half of the jug. Can't tell you where the wig went... it sort of disappeared partway through the night. I have a fuzzy recollection of feeding it to a goat, but that could have been a dream." "And what about finishing things with Gil-galad?" Celebrían asked. "Did Elrond break with you for good?" Glorfindel nodded. "When we woke up, I dug out from the wardrobe an old helmet and pyjamas that had once belonged to Gil-galad, put them on, and Elrond officially ended our relationship." "Perfect! Thank you so much for doing this, Glorfindel, I really do appreciate it." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "So where is Elrond now?" "In bed, I think. He was a bit worn out. He probably went back to sleep." "I'd better go see him," said Celebrían. "We'll need to talk this over and re-establish our relationship." "But... but what about my Anything?" asked Glorfindel. Celebrían flipped her hand dismissively. "We can do that anytime. Right now I need to see to Elrond. That was the whole point of this plan, after all." She kissed Glorfindel's cheek again, murmured another word of thanks, and promptly left him alone and grumpy in the bath. As quick as was elegantly decent for a lady, she hurried to the bedroom. Elrond was, as Glorfindel guessed, asleep. The bedroom was in disarray, with clothes and blankets draping the floor and furniture, and Elrond was asleep right in the middle of it. Celebrían poked him gently on the arm. "Elrond?" Elrond made a sound rather like, "Mrph," and rolled over. "Elrond!" This time, he woke up, blinking sleepily at his wife. "Good morning," she said. "Morning," Elrond mumbled. "Did you have a nice night, darling?" Elrond nodded. "Mm-hmm." "And are you over your silly Gil-galad fixation?" "I suppose..." said Elrond. "No more wistful sighs?" "No, dear." "No more naughty thoughts about somebody who isn't me?" "No, dear." "No more dirty words?" Elrond yawned. "No. Absolutely not. I'm cured. Your plan worked perfectly. Now can I get back to sleep?" Celebrían affectionately patted his arm. "Of course. You sleep all you want, husband." With another "mrph" sound, Elrond rolled onto his front. Celebrian sat at his side, idly stroking his hair, and silently congratulating herself on a job well done. The plot had worked. Elrond said so. He said he no longer thought about Gil-galad, and if he no longer thought about Gil-galad, he was free to devote all his attentions to her. Things would be looking up. She stood and was just about to leave the room when she heard Elrond stir in his sleep. He murmured something too soft to hear. She leaned closer, almost resting her ear on Elrond's pillow. "What was that, Elrond?" she asked quietly. "I didn't quite catch it..." "Mmm..." said Elrond, a dreamy kind of "Mmm." Then he murmured again, a single word: "Glorfindel..." |