One prank to rule them all 1

By Veasse


"What are you doing, Elladan?" Elrohir stood in the door, looking at his twin with raised eyebrows. Elladan was laid flat on his back on the floor staring at the ceiling. "I am bored to death," he sighed, "There is nothing to do. No Orcs to kill, no patrol to go on. And it seems we have played every imaginable prank on Erestor and Glorfindel."

"Aye," Elrohir agreed. "There is not even anything left in the library that would be worth reading."

"You mean, you have read everything?" Elladan knew that his brother was a bookworm, but he was less than 3.000 years old. He surely could not have read everything in their father’s renowned library.

"No, of course not, stupid!" Elrohir shook his head vehemently, causing dark braids to fly. "But everything that is worth reading. The rest of the books are just boring. Who wants to know the details of the herbal lore of Mirkwood or the battle tactics of Gil-galad?"

Elladan had to agree with that. Even though their father’s library was stacked to the ceiling with old tomes, entertainment was clearly missing in the selection. No wonder, that the only ones who could never spend enough time there were their father and Erestor.

"Maybe we should write our own book," Elrohir mused, "something entertaining, something breathtaking, something everybody wants to read in one go."

Elladan laughed. "As if you could write a book! It takes ages and you must have something significant to say!"

Elrohir considered this for a moment. Maybe his brother was right. Writing a book seemed to be a long and wearisome piece of work. What they needed was something more entertaining. "Maybe we should not write a book, maybe we should write something about what’s going on here."

Elladan looked up. This began to sound interesting. "Aye, we should write about issues that are of real concern, like what clothes are fashionable and which is the latest hairstyle from ‘Lorien."

His younger brother nodded enthusiastically. "Aye, we should not write a book but a periodical. Something that comes out at least every month or maybe even more often."

Elladan stared at his twin blankly. "But who should write? We???"

Elrohir considered this for a while. "Well, you and I will be in charge of the whole operation. Lindir does such nice drawings, I am sure he can do some illustrations. Oh, and we should ask Grandma for the horoscope. I mean, after all she knows what will happen in the future. At least this way her mirror would be of use to us at long last."

Elladan gave his brother a brilliant smile. This was beginning to sound good. "I am sure Grandma also has some excellent beauty tips. You know, she is older than most elves in Middle Earth. She must be more than 8.000 years old and still looks not a year older than 3.000."

His twin nodded. "And we could ask Gildor for some gossip." Elladan laughed. One of the most skilled spies of Imladris, if not of all of Middle-Earth, providing the gossip should be interesting.

"We better get started then. But don’t tell anyone, especially not Ada. This will be a surprise." Elladan’s eyes glittered with mischief. This might turn into a good prank after all. The prank to rule them all…

First they needed to visit Lindir and Gildor. Their participation was critical. The twins rushed to the other end of the valley, eager to get started on their new project. Knocking at Lindir’s door once, they did not even bother to wait for an answer. When they burst into the room Gildor struggled to pull a blanket around his naked form quickly. The twins smiled broadly. Lindir was obviously drawing a picture of his lover again.

Lindir arched an eyebrow. He liked the twins, but he had hoped for some time alone with his beloved. "What do you want?"

"We have this great new project and we need your help", Elladan explained. He went on to tell them what they had planned. Gildor laughed. This could be interesting indeed. When travelling to the other Elven realms and beyond he heard a lot of interesting stories that never went into any report because they lacked relevance from a political point of view. He always regretted that there was little audience to tell the stories since his journeys were to remain secret. "If you can promise anonymity, I will supply you with more stories than you can ever publish," he promised.

The twins nodded eagerly. "And what about you Lindir? We need some drawings to illustrate the stories." Lindir liked the idea too. Drawing portraits of elves and painting the landscape of Imladris was boring after so many millennia. This sounded like an interesting change.

The agreed on meeting in one week to discuss what would be in the first issue. They still needed to talk to Galadriel for her contribution to their project. Luckily the Lady of the Wood had decided to accompany Arwen back to Imladris. There was little time to be lost.

********************

Galadriel enjoyed peace and quietness in the rose garden when the twin tornados hit her. "Grandma, you look most beautiful today. I always wondered how you remain so young. You look not a day older than 3.000!" Elladan, smiled at Galadriel. The Lady of the Wood did not need to read her grandsons minds to figure out that they were after something. "What do the two of you want?" she laughed.

The twins blushed in unison. "You know, we have this new project and we thought you could help us with your wisdom and experience." Galadriel laughed heartily. If they were trying to charm her that much it must be serious. Excitedly, the twins explained their idea.

"You would be perfect for the horoscope. I mean, after all you know what is going to happen," Elladan tried to convince her.

"And with your ethereal beauty you would be the best elf to contribute beauty tips. Which elf would not want to look as adorable as you do," Elrohir added.

Galadriel considered this. "Well, I guess I could provide some information on how to preserve one’s ethereal beauty. Not all elves are as gifted as I am."

The twins nodded in agreement. "It is your duty to help those lesser gifted creatures," Elrohir said.

Hugging her grandsons, Galadriel agreed. After all, this sounded like a worthwhile project and not the usual pranks the twins were playing. She might as well help them. And on second thought, her grandsons’ project might provide her with the perfect means for revenge on Celeborn and Thranduil. Her husband had no idea that she was fully aware of the
affair between the two that had been going on for more than two hundred years. Oh, this was the perfect opportunity she thought, smiling mischievously.

**************************

For the whole week Elladan and Elrohir were sneaking around Imladris, eavesdropping whenever possible in the search of good stories and topics for their periodical. For the first day this did not bring much results, but by the end of the week they had more topics to write about than they would have ever imagined.

Sitting in their room they were sorting through their notes when a knock at the door interrupted them. It was Nedin, one of their childhood friends. Nedin had taken over his father’s business as the tailor of Imladris a century ago and had very little time nowadays to spend with old friends. The more delighted the twins were about this surprise visit. "How are things, Nedin?" Elladan asked.

The other elf sighed. "Not as good as I had hoped." The twins looked surprised. There was always demand for new garments in Imladris.

"When I was in ‘Lorien to buy new cloth, they had a lot of orange and lime on offer. Everybody there told me that this was the latest fashion, so I bought it. Unfortunately no one in Imladris likes these colours and I have lots of cloth left.

Elrohir smiled at him wickedly. "I think we can help you. Just leave it to us."

After Nedin had left Elladan shook his head, laughing hysterically. "You mean we will tell your readers that clothes in lime and orange are the latest fashion?"

Elrohir grinned back. "Why not? Helping a good old friend is the least we can do."

*********************************

Two days later they had the first editorial meeting. Relieved, all of them realised that there was more than enough material to publish the first edition of their magazine. There was just one question left.

"What is the name of our magazine?" Elladan asked.

"Elfopolitan," Elrohir announced matter-of-factly. And Elfopolitan it was.

A week later the first issue of Elfopolitan was ready for distribution. All who had helped with the issue had sworn secrecy since none of them wanted to feel the wrath of anyone mentioned in the first issue and many there were.

******************************

Elrond was still sleepy when he walked down the corridor to the dining room for breakfast. Haldir had returned to Imladris with Lady Galadriel. It had been ages since Elrond had seen is lover. As a consequence, Elrond had gotten hardly any sleep. Opening the door to the dining room he stumbled over a pile of papers on the floor.

"Argh, who left his papers in this most inappropriate place!" the Lord of Imladris growled. Glancing down his eye caught the pile of colourful magazines. "Elfopolitan? What is this?" Irritated, Elrond picked up a copy. He hated not being informed about what was going on. Who had given permission to publish this magazine? He surely had not.

Sitting down at the table in the dining room Elrond glanced at the colourful paper. It was still early and no one else was having breakfast yet. Sipping his tea he decided he might as well read this publication. Turning the first page an article caught his eye.

Lime is the new black

"All elves of fashion wear lime this season," famous fashion designer Karl Lagerelf announced after his latest fashion show. "Lime is the new black," he says.

Lagerelf was not the only designer going for lime in his latest fashion extravaganza. The collections of Dior, Ralph Laurelf and Calvin Klelf also concentrated on lime as the colour of the season. This year you will see lime everywhere, from shiny satin leggings to heavy velvet robes. The colour to mix lime with is orange, the star designers Dolcelf and Gabana say. "Mix it, rearrange it, as long as it is lime and orange, you can not go wrong this season," the two top designers told Elfopolitan at their latest fashion show. The centrepiece of their show was a regal ceremonial robe made of heavy velvet with lime and orange stripes. The matching embroidery in mithril makes this an extraordinary piece for a very special occasion. No matter, if you are dressing up for an evening with your boss, a political event or if you are trying to impress your new lover, this robe is must-have, the Elfopolitan fashion editor says.

Elrond arched a brow. Lime and orange – a rather unusual combination, but he could picture this regal robe. He wanted one of those, and he wanted it now. Otherwise Thranduil might get one first. This time he would show the boastful bastard from Mirkwood. He would go to the tailor right after breakfast and outshine Thranduil for once.

Hearing a sound from the door, Elrond looked up to see Thranduil and Celeborn entering, both a copy of Elfopolitan in hand. The two were blushing when they saw Elrond grinning. He had noticed the attraction between the two long ago.

"What is this magazine about?" Celeborn asked his son-in-law.

Elrond shrugged. "I found it outside the dining room. I have no idea who wrote it or who put it there."

Flicking through the pages, Celeborn smiled. "They have a horoscope, great!"

Thranduil shook his head. "Please tell me that you do not believe in horoscopes. You are over 7.000 years old. You should know better."

"But there is some truth in horoscopes," Celeborn argued. "Look at this!"

Virgo
You are playing with the fire. Being unfaithful to your beloved will not go unnoticed much longer. Return to your lawful wedded wife before it is too late and spend the rest of eternity with this most special elf. To make reconciliation easier, Elfopolitan suggests the purchase of a few carefully selected gifts. The true love should be reflected in the price of the items. Therefore, we recommend a visit to Cartielf or Luthien’s Secrets.

Celeborn grasped for air. "See I told you, horoscopes are true. But how could they know… no one knows."

Elrond laughed. "I hope Galadriel does not believe in horoscopes. Otherwise you are in serious trouble." The shock in Celeborn’s eyes at his words made Elrond laugh even harder.

Thranduil shook his head. "This is just a coincidence. Horoscopes are useless. Read mine and you will see that this is humbug. I’m Leo."

Leo
Your stunning beauty attracts elves like moths. Be careful, you are unlikely to withstand the attraction and remain faithful to your beloved. Bear in mind that you are not only risking your feelings getting hurt. The feelings of others are at risk too, especially if you ignore bonds that were made for eternity. Seek true love and not attraction and precious gifts, as tempting as jewels and admirers are.

Elrond choked on his porridge when he saw Thranduil turning crimson while Celeborn arched an eyebrow.

"You do not believe this, do you?" Thranduil asked agitatedly. "I am faithful to you and horoscopes are useless crap."

Elrond tried hard not to laugh out loud. This was unbelievable. Not that the Lord of Imladris believed in horoscopes, but he just happened to know that Thranduil had a little something with Rumil when Celeborn was out of sight. Celeborn shot Thranduil a suspicious look. Thranduil tried to look as innocent as possible. "Look, this is just a horoscope. I love only you!"

Celeborn got up and left the dining room swiftly. Thranduil followed his lover, trying to explain that he had not been unfaithful. Elrond could her their voices trailing down the corridor. While admiring Thranduil’s acting skills the Lord of Imladris finished his breakfast hurriedly to make sure no one would order the lime and orange robes before he did. He would make it an order that there was only one of these splendid robes to be made in Imladris. After all, he was the ruler here. He could have anything he wanted!

Walking down the corridors of the Last Homely House he noticed that nearly everybody he encountered was reading a copy of Elfopolitan. Some were snickering, others just lost in reading. "I must read the rest of this magazine when I come back from the tailor," Elrond told himself. He needed to know what was going on. Not being in control was out of question for the Lord of Imladris. He had a reputation to lose!

Entering the tailor’s shop he saw the lovely stripy velvet – all orange and lime and very heavy material. This would make such a fine robe. "I want one of those highly fashionable stripy robes," he declared, "the Dolcelf and Gabana design, can you do that?"

Nedin smiled at the raven-haired lord. He could not believe that someone actually demanded such a robe. The tailor had thought he would never be able to sell this dreadfulness. "Nedin, I want this to be the only robe of this kind in Imladris. I will buy the whole material," Elrond declared. Nedin made a mental note to thank the twins later.

After an hour Elrond and Nedin had agreed on the looks of every details of the robe. The new robe would be delivered within a week.

As soon as Elrond had left, more elves entered his shop demanding robes, leggings and tunics in lime and orange. Nedin had more work than ever before and within two hours all the dreadful coloured material was sold.

******************************

Glorfindel and Erestor walked to the dining room hand in hand. They had slept in after a night of blissful lovemaking and some more of it this morning. Erestor was still tired. For his taste less carnal action would have been enough, but Glorfindel was rather insatiable.

Before entering the dining room Glorfindel grabbed two copies of Elfopolitan. Erestor did not pay much attention as his gaze was focused on the mug of tea in front of him while Glorfindel flicked through the pages.

"You should check this out. There are really interesting articles in here," Glorfindel told his lover. Erestor looked at his copy of the magazine turning the pages slowly. He was so tired. Glorfindel was undoing him!

When he came across some book reviews he stopped.

Herbal lore of Mirkwood
No doubt, herbal lore is one of the most important fields of Elven lore and must be valued highly. Still, this book, written by Delion, nephew of king Thranduil of Mirkwood, serves its purpose best as a sleeping potion. It will not take more than one page to send even the most insomniac patient into Elven dreamland for several hours.

However, Elfopolitan has come across a far more interesting book from Mirkwood:

The life and loves of Oropher
Little is known of the father of the current ruler of Mirkwood. However, this book will reveal a completely new side of the late king of Mirkwood, showing him as the flamboyant and adventurous elf he really was. As the book reveals, king Thranduil has at least seven half-siblings from his father’s countless affairs. According to the book these children of Oropher are not only to be found in Mirkwood but also in ‘Lorien, where at least two of the children of the late king live.
Unfortunately the book has been banned by the censorship authorities of Mirkwood and can only be obtained at "The Gossipy Bookstore" in ‘Lorien. A must-read for everyone interested in Elven royalty and really good gossip, says Elfopolitan.

Erestor choked on his tea. "I wonder if Thranduil has seen that already."

Glorfindel laughed. "I doubt it. Otherwise you could have heard him screaming all over Imladris. We should get a copy of that book for the library next time we are in ‘Lorien."

Erestor nodded with a wicked grin. "It might be handy one day. One never knows."

While Erestor focused on his breakfast again, Glorfindel continued glancing through the magazine until he found a page of interest. He cocked his head to get a better view, grinning hungrily. Erestor looked up alarmed. He knew that expression on Glorfindel’s face. Surely, his blond lover was not horny again. They had made love several times last night and twice this morning. This should be enough for some time!

"They have a very interesting section in here," Glorfindel purred. "It’s called Karma Sutra."

Erestor wrinkled his forehead. "What’s that? Never heard of."

"Neither have I, but they explain sexual positions. And I can tell you, not the obvious ones. Even I haven’t tried this one," Glorfindel grinned, "But it looks as if this would be a lot of fun for the two of us."

Erestor groaned. "You can not be serious! We’ve had sex last night and this morning."

"So what?" the blond elf interrupted his dark haired lover. "One can never have enough sex."

"But I have work to do and surely Elrond is already waiting for me," Erestor tried to get out of this. Maybe if he told Glorfindel that he had migraine. But then, elves don’t get migraines. That only worked for Aragon if he was not in the mood to satisfy the very demanding Arwen.

Glorfindel leaned closer, claiming Erestor’s lips in a passionate kiss. Pushing the magazine over to Erestor Glorfindel pointed at a very explicit drawing. "Wouldn’t you like that, melamin?"

Erestor glanced at the page, shaking his head. "You can’t be serious!"

Glorfindel grinned. "Let’s try something new. This sounds like fun!"

The head game (+)

How it's done: You lie flat and, supporting your lower back with your hands, lift your legs and backside way, way up so they're nearly perpendicular to the ground. Next, have your guy kneel before you, rest your ankles on one of his shoulders and steady your hips with his hands. Hold his thighs for leverage and adjust so your genitals can join for some otherworldly upside-down action.

Why you'll love it: You may feel like the Leaning Tower of Orthanc, but it's totally worth it once you feel the results. The blood rush from your thighs will intensify the sensations in the pelvic region. Plus, your legs are squeezed together over his shoulders, which guarantees a snug, scintillating fit for him.

Erestor was tempted. The drawing made his groin stir and Glorfindel did the rest. Before he could think any further they had abandoned their breakfast and hurried back to their room for a real life test of what the magazine suggested.


Note: The descriptions of the sexual positions and articles marked with a (+) are at least partly from various issues of Cosmopolitan or from their very inspiring website.

Continuted in Part 2

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