December 25th (Arfiommereth)
Today was not fantastically wonderful. I should have known.
I woke up to some very odd sounds. At first I thought Elrohir had
put his Tamagotchi under my pillow again, but then I opened my eyes and saw
that the noises were coming from my computer. I must've fallen asleep
while playing pinball. I looked at my watch and saw that it was a few
minutes after four in the morning. Then I looked at the hide-a-bed,
and saw that Elrohir and Legolas had made a blanket fort. They were
sitting inside, giggling.
I tried to get into bed to go back to sleep properly, but their fort took
up the entire mattress. I asked what they were doing in there.
Elrohir said, "Undressing the iguana." Legolas giggled. I growled
and punched their fort, but I guess they had made it out of tables and blankets,
because my fist hit something hard with a pointy corner and it really hurt.
I yelled, "Where am I supposed to sleep if you idiots are taking up the bed?!"
Elrohir said, "We made you another bed on the brown lounge." I looked
over at the brown lounge. It had sheets, blankets, and a pillow.
On the pillow, tucked under the blankets, was a pair of Elrohir's dirty socks.
Elrohir poked his head out of the fort just long enough to yell, "Don't wake
the stinky socks!" and laugh wildly. I balled up the socks, tossed them
at the fort, and got into my makeshift bed.
The last thing I remember thinking was, "I'm never going to get to sleep
now," but what seemed like only seconds later, I woke up to something poking
into my eye. That turned out to be the nose of the iguana, which Elrohir
was holding in front of my face. The iguana sneezed on me. Elrohir
scolded the iguana, saying, "Elladan is nothing to be sneezed at." I
punched him in the groin. He managed to hand off the iguana to Legolas
before collapsing to the floor and making groaning-type noises. I didn't
feel sorry at all. That's what sort of mood I was in.
He and Legolas were wary after that, and left me pretty much alone as we
all went into the kitchen to wait for present-opening time. Thranduil
was already up and reading yesterday's paper over a mug of coffee, looking
robotically alert as ever. I'm still convinced he never sleeps.
His mother was still in bed, his wife was slicing up fruit, and his daughters
were all fighting over who got the biggest orange. I grabbed a snowman
mug full of coffee and sat beside Thranduil. Elrohir and Legolas grabbed
holly glasses full of Five Alive and sat beside me. In a few minutes
Círdan showed up, then grandpa, then Haldir and Orophin. Thranduil's
mother made her appearance after about twenty minutes, followed by dad and
Erestor. Grandma shuffled in just after eight-thirty, wearing an ivory
satin bedroom ensemble and holding a gel mask over her eyes. Her slippers
had high heels and feathers on the toes. Thranduil's wife, wearing practical
green flannelette and regular slippers, thinned her lips disapprovingly.
Grandma grabbed her coffee and stood beside grandpa. The two looked
even more like polar opposites than usual. Grandpa was wearing a plaid
bathrobe and one-piece long underwear. He shops almost exclusively from
the L.L. Bean catalogue. Dad and Erestor, on the other hand, were dressed
almost identically and kept standing too close together. It was a bit
nauseating.
At nine we held a group referendum and decided not to wait for Rúmil
and Ardlor, who, according to Haldir, never get out of bed before ten.
As soon as the decision was made, Elrohir made a beeline for the living room
and took his place beside the tree. He very efficiently handed out the
presents, subcontracting a portion of them out to Legolas, who could more
easily figure out which of his sisters was which. The whole operation
took a very long time. I got:
*digital camera (from dad)
*wireless optical mouse (from "Aulë")
*leather-bound Sindarin-Quenya dictionary (from Erestor)
*insanely large bath towel (from dad)
*fancy Sinda costume (from grandma and grandpa)
*large feather pillow (from "Aulë")
*box containing a travel hairbrush, travel alarm clock, travel-size shampoo,
high-definition film, a pack of Incrediberry Koolaid, and two blank Cds (from
Elrohir)
*collection of under things that I didn't feel comfortable showing anyone
else (from Aerthos)
*collection of seven different tabloid papers (from Rúmil and Ardlor)
*flowering cactus (from Legolas)
*book on organisational tips for small rooms and a gift certificate to Ikea
(from Arwen and Aragorn)
*ski socks and mittens (from Thranduil)
*cineplex passes (from Haldir and Orophin)
*jigsaw puzzle shaped like a cat and a video movie ratings book (from Thranduil's
daughters)
*book of mind puzzles and tests (from Círdan)
*all the usual stuff in my stocking like gummi snowmen, icy squares, Blistex
stick, candy cane, novelty hand-shaped soap, and a Nandorin orange.
Rúmil and Ardlor were up in time to join in at the halfway point,
and it was almost noon by the time everything was unwrapped. All the
used wrappings made a very nice fire. Elrohir, as usual, had the largest
pile of stuff. His favourites were a big new iguana cage (from dad)
and salt and pepper shakers shaped like a bum (from Orophin). Grandpa
was very happy with his paper shredder, and tried it out straight away on
some used wrappings. Grandma sat in the good rocking chair, put her
feet in the paraffin spa, and stayed there with her eyes half closed until
it was time to get dressed. I put the batteries in my new camera and
took some pictures of the fantastic mess of wrappings and boxes. Legolas
changed into his dog pyjamas right there in the living room with everybody
watching.
At ten minutes past noon, dad remembered that everyone had to be in front
of the government building downtown at one for the big Fiommereth speech thing.
Chaos erupted. Grandma found out that grandpa had brought his light
silver formal outfit instead of the dark silver, which she had anticipated
him wearing when she picked out her gown. She then refused to appear
in public wearing her pale gold, which, she claimed, would cause both her
and grandpa to appear washed-out on camera when standing next to each other.
She was forced to dig through the cedar chest of mum's old things trying
to find something suitably fabulous that would compliment pale silver.
After tossing aside the top five layers of foofy one-shouldered taffeta monstrosities
as "too early Third Age", she eventually found something from the Second
Age that was just retro enough to be fashionable again. Grandpa, oblivious
to the fuss he had created, was eating a toaster waffle. He got a drop
of syrup on his disruptive pale silver costume. Elrohir covered it
with an impromptu corsage made out of holly and packing tape.
Thranduil, meanwhile, had lost one of his good shoes, and Círdan
had completely forgotten to bring his formal speech-giving outfit.
He had to borrow something of dad's that was culturally ambiguous enough
to be possibly mistaken for Telerin. I wore my new Sinda costume from
grandma and grandpa. It had seven separate layers and was more difficult
to put on than my usual stupid Noldo costume, but in the end felt less like
I was wearing a boat tarp. Elrohir also wore his new Sinda costume,
but with his old Noldo trousers, since he had already managed to get a yogurt
stain on the new ones. Dad told him to make sure he stood behind grandma
and grandpa for the whole speech thing because everybody knows Sindar don't
wear wraparound trousers.
We left home at twenty to one, with dad, me, Elrohir and Círdan in
dad's car and Thranduil, his wife, Legolas, grandma and grandpa in Thranduil's
van. Everyone else had to stay at home and make supper. We parked
in a handicap spot beside the government building just as the television crews
were checking their watches and dad's press secretary was running around with
wild eyes and flailing hands. She more or less dragged dad up to the
podium on the stairs and he had ten seconds to compose himself before going
live on the air. The rest of us sort of filtered in behind him when
we thought the timing was right. On the taped version I watched later
it looked like somebody new had popped up behind dad every time the camera
cut away to pan the crowd and then cut back to him. Elrohir's face
was very prominent, straining as he was to peer over grandpa's shoulder.
Dad spoke for about fifteen minutes, then made way for grandma and grandpa,
followed by Círdan and finally Thranduil, who had to stand on his tiptoes
and adjust the microphone because he is at least fifteen centimetres shorter
than everybody else. All of them talked about peace, togetherness, and
the promising future of Valinor in the coming Fourth Age. It was very
iconic in a televisiony sort of way. They shook hands, especially with
Thranduil, and gave cheesy smiles to the camera. The whole ordeal lasted
about an hour, with no commercial breaks. Then, while the speakers went
around shaking hands with important community leaders, a handful of journalists
from lesser-known television and radio stations came over to ask me, Elrohir,
and Legolas questions about what we thought the future held for the Elven
realms of Middle-earth. Elrohir said, "Time. Definitely lots
of time. And like peace would be totally awesome too." Legolas concurred.
I said something stupid like, "Without a doubt, I can thoroughly envisage
a future rich in peace and prosperity not only for Rivendell but for all
of Middle-earth. A future in which equality, happiness, and goodwill
are paramount. We have seen the end of a dark time in our history,
and we are now on the brink of a bright new era." I gave my best fake
smile to the photographers. All those political science courses have
completely ruined my street cred.
We got home at quarter to three. I walked into the house fully expecting
the smell of roasting turkey, but instead found only the smell of turnips.
Erestor was standing in the front entryway with crossed arms and thinned lips.
He wordlessly dragged dad into the kitchen, pointed at an enormous turkey
on the counter, and said, "It won't fit in the oven." Dad said, "Don't
be absurd," and picked up the turkey. It wouldn't fit into the oven
for him either. Backwards, frontwards, sideways, upside-down or diagonal,
the turkey was too big. Haldir offered to cut off its legs and part
of its bum, but dad hollered that he wouldn't stand for a defaced Fiommereth
turkey. Orophin said that it was already de-faced and what difference
would it make if it were also de-legged and de-bummed, but that just made
dad angrier. He threw the gravy baster across the kitchen.
Playing the diplomat, grandma said, "Don't you have a roast or ham or something
in the freezer we could cook instead?" Erestor looked, but all he found
(aside from two packs of wieners) was a box of veal cutlets, and we couldn't
have those because veal gives Elrohir gas. Grandpa said, "What about
that first small turkey you bought before you knew Thranduil was going to
show up?" Dad said he'd given that one away to somebody from work.
Then Thranduil said, "The only thing you can do now is go out and buy another
turkey." Dad hollered, "Where am I supposed to get another turkey today?!"
Erestor quietly said, "No Frills is open. I saw their ad in the paper."
Dad grabbed my arm and said, "We're going to No Frills."
In all the years I have been alive, dad has never once set foot inside No
Frills. He considers it, along with SuperStore and the Co-Op, to be
a communist-based organisation bent on taking over the grocery industry with
their cheap-prices-but-no-service manifesto. He shops almost exclusively
at Safeway, where apples cost 80 cents more per kilogram. I'm surprised
he even knew where No Frills was. We went in the side door, slinking
past a large throng of people gathered on the pavement, and made for the frozen
meats. There were two turkeys left. We chose the one without a large
dent in the side. We paid for the stupid thing and were on the home
stretch when we stepped through the OUT door and into the tail end of a 24-hour
food drive for the Rivendell Drop-In Centre. The throng of people cheered
at the site of The One And Only Elrond, still in his fancy speech-giving
costume, standing right beside the food drive host and holding a large turkey.
The host said, "I don't believe this, folks! I just don't believe
it! Elrond himself had dropped in out of nowhere, and look at that
beautiful turkey! I'm telling you, ladies and gentlemen, this is a
true Fiommereth miracle!" Dad plastered on his fake smile, but I just
know I saw him cringing as he was forced to hand our turkey over to the drop-in
centre volunteers. They gave him a button that said "I gave the gift
of holiday cheer" in return. He said a few words about helping the
needy and giving to others less fortunate. He had to wish everyone
a merry Fiommereth and shake at least a hundred hands before they let him
slip away, and even then the Access camera crew followed us all the way to
the car. As soon as we were a safe few blocks away dad made a low growly
noise, but other than that neither of us said anything.
We had sprouts, turnip, carrots, and mashed potato for Fiommereth supper.
No gravy on the potatoes, even, just salt and pepper. Glorfindel would've
been proud. Afterward Thranduil gave everybody a little slice of the
goose jerky Elrohir had given him, so that was almost traditional, if tradition
had been flattened, dried, chemically processed, and shrink-wrapped to seal
in authentic artificial smoke flavouring. The only up side was that
there were fewer dishes to wash, and no greasy turkey pan or crusty gravy
pot to scrub. The dishes were done in record time, and we even had half
an hour to spare before sitting down to watch the taped replay of Aragorn's
speech from earlier in the day. He isn't a very good public speaker.
His tactic is to yell a bunch of clichés in a convincing voice while
pointing at a flag. The crowd seemed to love it, though. Arwen
was wearing a dress that was far too revealing for the occasion, but the crowd
seemed to love that too.
After that dad telephoned Arwen, and we all had a few minutes to chat with
her about the holidays in Gondor before it was time to watch Finarfin's speech
live from Tirion. He looked tired and just about as stressed-out as
dad. Maybe this Fiommereth chaos was a world-wide epidemic. Glorfindel
was sitting on a chair behind him, so he had probably just endured holidays
with Glorfindel, Aralindë, and the baby. Glorfindel also looked
a bit tired and stressed. Sitting next to Glorfindel was somebody who
I'm guessing was Finrod. He kept giving Glorfindel stern looks, as if
to say, "Stop scratching your nose; you're on international television."
After Finarfin's (rather long) speech was over, Glorfindel got up and paraphrased
it in Sindarin for the benefit of non-Quenya-speaking viewers. I'm not
sure if Royal Translator is a step up or down from Chief Accountant of Rivendell.
Only Elrohir, Legolas, Thranduil, and Orophin stayed up to watch Ingwë's
speech. Everyone else went to bed early. Actually, that's not
quite true. I thought everyone else went to bed early, but when I went
to the living room to search for my slippers, I passed the kitchen door and
saw dad, Erestor, grandma and Círdan sitting at the table, passing
around a joint. I was very tempted to complain to grandpa about this,
but then I couldn't remember if he'd be more likely to disapprove or join
in, so I decided not to.
December 26th
Today just wasn't the same without a good plate of Merry Fiommereth Mush
to eat in bed while watching DVDs. A perfectly good family tradition
has been ruined, and all because Thranduil showed up and forced dad to buy
a turkey that was too big to fit in the oven! I had a pizza pop and
watched television for a while, but it wasn't anywhere near the same and the
entire routine was thrown off. I changed out of my pyjamas and went
to see what else I could do around the house.
I found dad trying to figure out how to work his new cordless telephone
(a gift from grandma and grandpa). He was convinced that it wasn't
charging properly and/or was broken, until he remembered that he had to plug
it into a telephone jack to get a dial tone. Then I found Elrohir,
Orophin, and Thranduil playing Nintendo in the living room. They were
all still wearing pyjamas. At first I thought Thranduil was Legolas,
but then I remembered seeing Legolas in the kitchen trying to make cookies
in the microwave. Thranduil turned away from Mario Kart long enough
to ask me if I would take him shopping later. I told him I would, then
quickly took off to hide so he wouldn't be able to call me on that promise.
I went back to the kitchen to find Legolas. He was getting yelled
at by his mother for spilling corn syrup all over the counter. I had
nothing better to do so I helped Legolas clean it up. Legolas' mother
told him I was a very good example and he should try to be more like me.
He said he was, though he didn't elaborate so much as to tell us in what capacity.
Then she asked me if I knew where Thranduil was. I told her he was
playing Nintendo in the living room, and she made an exasperated sort of
noise and muttered something about Thranduil being more like an extra child
than a husband. I said yes, at his age, he should know better.
She snorted and said, "No, at his age he's still fighting to overcome the
urge to go out and get drunk with his buddies every weekend." Curiously,
I asked her how old he was, and almost choked on my Five Alive when she said,
in a disgusted voice, 3081.
I suppose if I had been paying attention in my Mirkwood class, I would've
learned that Thranduil became King at age 54, beating Gil-galad's youngest-ever-to-be-crowned
record by 11 years. But I didn't pay attention, so I had to go look
that up in the encyclopaedia in the den. I sat in a quiet corner by
myself to get over the shock and do the math, and figured out that I am actually
closer in age to Thranduil than to Legolas. Then I made a flowchart
to get everything into perspective. The list of ages, from oldest to
youngest, goes: Círdan, grandma or grandpa (grandpa claims time didn't
exist before the rising of the Moon, so he doesn't know how old he is, but
I think this is just a way to get out of admitting that he married an older
woman), Glorfindel, Oropher, Erestor, Gil-galad, dad, mum, Haldir, Thranduil,
Orophin, Elrohir and I, Rúmil, Arwen, Legolas. I had just about
come to terms with that when the telephone rang.
It was Glorfindel. I could hear a baby wailing in the background.
I think he was trying to escape his ill-thought-out fatherhood role.
I told him all about the terrific times we've been having here in Rivendell,
and he kept asking questions in a voice that clearly sounded like he'd rather
be here than wherever he was (probably Tirion). He was especially impressed
by the entirely vegan supper, and thought that spending Fiommereth with Thranduil
and company would be "fun". He said that supper with Finarfin had been
the usual Noldorin three-kinds-of-meat affair, and he had been forced to wander
the streets at midnight trying to find a falafel stand that was open.
Of course he didn't find one, since all the Vanyarin immigrants who run the
falafel stands are deeply religious and don't believe in working on holidays.
He had to settle for a corporate franchise pita.
I tried to change the subject to something more cheerful by mentioning that
we all watched him on television, but he complained about that too.
He doesn't like having to act as Finarfin's translator, especially since he
has issues with Finarfin's traditional capitalist government and doesn't want
to be associated with it in any way. In fact, he has recently joined
the Socialist Labour Party and is considering running for office. I
reminded him that he was afraid of television cameras and hated being interviewed.
He said he was taking classes to get over that. Then I heard a crash
and some yelling in the background, and Glorfindel said very quietly, "Shit,
I have to go. Amma just dropped a pan of olive puffs and broke a tile.
I'll ring back tomorrow. I don't have to pay the long distance here."
I asked where he was and he said, "Finarfin's."
Talking to Glorfindel always makes me feel better, since no matter what's
going on, his life is always more screwed-up than mine.
After that I went and found grandpa, who was sitting at the dining room
table doing an enormous crossword puzzle that took up nearly an entire page
of today's newspaper. I nicked the rest of the paper to read.
A picture of dad and Thranduil shaking hands was on the front page.
A picture of me with the headline "ELLADAN: Bright New Era" was on page three.
I cut that out to give to grandma, so she could put it in her scrapbook beside
the clipping of Elrohir after he won a giant stuffed frog from the ring toss
game at the fair and the one of me from the Grey Havens Telegraph being interviewed
on the street about new bus stops.
I microwaved another pizza pop for supper and went to bed early to watch
television. Haldir joined me for a while, but kept switching the channel
to hockey. I was glad when he left so I could watch Biography in peace.
It was a biography of Hador- one I'd never seen before. After that was
a biography of dad, which I didn't need to watch, so I switched to the A
Channel just in time to see the opening credits for the movie about Ingwë
that Elrohir was in last spring. I yelled for him to come quick as I
popped a blank tape into the video, and he came, towing Legolas and Orophin
along with him. They all got very excited and ran to get everybody else.
I lost my seat as dad, Erestor, grandma, grandpa and Círdan came in
to watch and made me fold the hide-a-bed back up into a sofa. At the
first commercial break Erestor went to microwave some popcorn and Orophin
went to tell Rúmil and Ardlor, but they already knew and were watching
it in their room with Haldir.
Overall the movie was pretty cheesy and historically dubious, but still
everyone was very proud to see Elrohir on television and not being interviewed
about the unfairness of skateboarding bylaws for once. Dad said we
could go out for supper tomorrow night to celebrate. Grandma said Elrohir
was a very good Fëanor and that his movie was very nice, even though
she did think the director should've found an actor without a Mirkwood accent
to be Manwë's voice. Besides Glorfindel and Aralindë,
I was able to pick out two extras that I recognised. A member of Finwë's
entourage works at Taco Barn, and I went to high school with one of the palace
guards.
After everybody else left to go to bed, Legolas asked Elrohir for his autograph.
Elrohir proudly signed Legolas' bum with a Sharpie, then took a picture of
it with my new camera so Legolas could still have the autograph after the
ink washed off. I now have a photo of Legolas' bum saved on my hard
drive. The sad thing is, I can't decide whether that's good or bad.
December 27th
Thranduil is addicted to drugs. And not the usual kind of drugs that
normal people are addicted to, like cocaine and heroin. No, Thranduil
has to be different, and is addicted to all the perfectly legal drugs one
can buy at any apothecary. So far today I have watched him consume:
two Tylenol with codeine, two Advil, one Aspirin, a generic brand acetaminophen
gel cap, three pink somethings that came out of a blister pack, a spoonful
of protein powder dissolved in fruit juice, a vitamin A pill, four different
B vitamin pills, six vitamin Cs (both large orange flavoured and small unflavoured),
a vitamin E gel cap, calcium with vitamin O, a Centrum for women who are trying
to get pregnant (snitched from his wife when he couldn't find his own regular
Centrum), iron supplement, and more caffeine pills than I'm sure are necessary.
I took him shopping this morning to get away from the house, where the phone
kept going off every other minute. People were ringing to congratulate
Elrohir on the movie. Agencies were ringing to ask if he had representation.
Various local businesses were ringing to enquire after his availability for
locally-produced advertisements. The U of R rang to ask him to come
back to their theatre honours program, and even offered to overlook all the
fails on his transcript. Dad started to get rather rude in his telephone-answering
after the first twenty. So when Thranduil asked again if I would take
him shopping, I jumped at the opportunity.
I thought he'd probably want to go to the usual shopping centres to look
around, but while driving past Super Drug Mart he yelled, "There! Let's
go there!" We went there, and stayed for well over two hours.
Thranduil was in a state of bliss looking over two entire aisles of non-prescription
treasures to purchase. I did three tours around the store, spending
as much time as one could possibly spend looking at shampoo, deodorant, hair
colourant and batteries. Then, when Thranduil still wasn't done filling
his basket with everything that looked remotely useful, I stood behind him
ominously and hoped he'd get the hint. He didn't. Forty minutes
and almost three hundred dollars later, we were finally back in the car.
I was glad he didn't want to go anywhere else.
As we drove home he listed his inventory of purchases to me. He bought
the regular assortment of vitamins plus various new exotic plant extracts
and powders of stuff I've never heard of, pills to take away muscle pain,
pills to take away joint pain, pills to take away tension pain, pills to take
away generic all-over pain, pills to gain weight, pills to lose weight, pills
to go to sleep, pills to wake up, pills to stay awake, pills to stay asleep,
pills to maximise food energy, pills to augment food energy, pills to replace
food energy, pills for fresh breath, pills for shiny hair, pills for clear
skin, pills to clear one's system of toxins, pills to keep one's system toxin-free,
and pills to maximise the effect of other pills. He also bought a tube
of Blistex.
When we got home I asked his wife about his pill dependence. She said
it stemmed from insecurity over being noticeably short and started with him
ordering a jar of Muscle Man pills from the back of a comic book when he was
in school. To this day, every time she wears high heels it sets him
off on a serious protein pill binge. They are the exact same height
in flat shoes and he can't handle any artificial height difference.
Then I watched her take one of her trying-to-get-pregnant vitamins.
I'm not sure why she wants those, since she and Thranduil have seven kids
already. I think they are both a bit wacko.
Just after supper, Glorfindel rang Thranduil's mobile. After chatting
for a few minutes and not getting anywhere because Thranduil had taken a few
too many caffeine pills and kept going off on tangents of very fast but nonsensical
speech, he asked to speak to me. He asked me if the telephone was off
the hook, because he'd been trying to get through all of last night and all
of this morning (his time, I'm guessing). But before I could explain
the situation of Elrohir being a celebrity, he told me that everything in
Tirion is good and started talking about Elairon. I think Glorfindel
is on drugs too, but the illegal sort. He sounded far mellower than
his situation warrants and said "fantastic" very slowly, four times.
I passed him off to Erestor next, then Erestor handed him off to dad, and
dad passed him over to grandma. He and grandma talked for a good while
until grandma said, "No! No, I refuse to- Don't you dare! Glorfindel,
if you even think of... Oh hallo atto."
The next few minutes were rather awkward as she gave Finarfin a brief summary
of her life these past seven thousand years, speaking in funny Quenya that
sounded like it was halfway between the proper kind I learn in school and
the kind Glorfindel speaks. The House of Finarfin seems to have a dialect
unto itself. She informed her father that she was married now and had
one daughter and three grandchildren, so I'm guessing they haven't spoken
in a long while. Then Finarfin must've asked to speak to grandpa, the
heathen dark Elf for whom grandma abandoned her culture and birthright, because
she scowled and passed the phone to him. He looked confused and kept
saying, "I'm sorry, I don't understand you... I don't speak your language..."
then gave up and handed the phone to Erestor, who finished the conversation
pretending to be grandpa. When it was all over grandpa worriedly asked,
"What did you say?" Erestor said, "I told him that I, meaning you, met
Galadriel while fox hunting with Fingolfin in Dor Lómin, and was made
an honorary member of Fingolfin's court for my skill and horsemanship.
He seemed to like that."
Grandpa went a bit bonkers and shouted, "But that never happened!
We met at Daeron's birthday luau! What if he finds out and thinks I'm
a liar?!" Grandma said, "Don't be absurd. How would he ever find
out?" Just then Thranduil's mobile rang again. I answered.
It was Glorfindel. Glorfindel said, "Why did Celeborn tell Finarfin
he met Galadriel while fox hunting? Finrod just said those two met at
Daeron's birthday party during Galadriel's first week in Doriath, after Aegnor
got drunk on sambucca and knocked a tiki torch into the lilac tree.
It's causing mass confusion!" I could hear confused shouting in the
background. Obviously the news of grandma and grandpa's backyard barbeque
liaison was causing Finarfin serious grief. Grandma and grandpa didn't
need to know that though, so I said, "I'm sorry, we're not interested," and
disconnected. Thranduil asked who it was, just in case he was interested.
I told him it was carpet cleaners. Then he got upset because his carpets
at home really did need cleaning, and he'd been waiting for months for somebody
to telephone him with a deal.
At about this point I realised I had a terrible headache, so I went to lie
down in the den. Elrohir and Legolas were playing Bust-A-Move.
The electronic music and bleepy sounds were soothing after the cacophony of
everybody shouting about fox hunts and luaus. We never did go out for
supper. Clearly, dad is a liar.
December 28th
Dad has had it up to here with all the fuss over Elrohir's movie and discussion
of Daeron's birthday luau. He marched into the den around midnight last
night and said, "We are leaving town." Elrohir asked where we were
going, and dad said, "We are going skiing." I asked if this was Thranduil's
idea. Dad said no, but I think he was lying again. Then he told
us we would be leaving today at noon. That is inadequate time in which
to prepare for a ski vacation, I think. I can't remember where I stored
my ski kit, or my skis for that matter. Elrohir and I searched through
all the bags of clothes in the garage, but all we found were some very old
things of his. I think I might be forced to wear his old snowboard
gear with duct tape on the bum. People will think dad neglects me.
Which is actually true, but what can you expect from someone of his upbringing?
His idea of quality family time is all of us being in the same building at
the same time.
Rúmil and Ardlor are not coming skiing. They have had enough
quaint family holidaying to last forever, and have opted to check into the
Marriott downtown until the movie people get their housing situation sorted
out. Haldir and Orophin are not coming skiing either, but are staying
here to water our plants, feed the iguana, and continue the quest to find
the cat (who has been eating her food every night but has not been seen in
weeks). Círdan's flight back to the Grey Havens leaves on the
30th, so he's staying with Haldir and Orophin until then. Grandma and
grandpa are coming along to the resort but are not going to ski, and Thranduil's
small army is coming in full force. We have six rooms booked at the
Anorhíl Village Fairmont starting tomorrow night. I just know
I'm going to be stuck sharing with Elrohir and Legolas. I just know
it.
December 29th
We stayed at the Red Carpet Inn, arriving late last night. It was
surprisingly nice for a ski town motel that only charges $79 per night.
It had new carpet, new paint, new wall paper, and furniture that wasn't all
scuffed up. It made me uneasy wondering how it could possibly be so
cheap. Then I finally noticed all the religious things. All the
books for sale in the lobby had titles like "Eru Made Elves", the postcards
were pictures of things like the nearby monument to Elbereth, there was a
prayer book and a guide to local temples in the bedside table, and a framed
proverb about the Valar on the wall above the telly. The owners were
seducing us with cheap rates and then forcing their religious views on us
hapless victims, and I pointed all this out to Elrohir and Legolas as we
unpacked our things in the room we were stuck sharing. Elrohir wondered
why a religious motel would be called the Red Carpet Inn. Legolas said,
"I bet Elbereth's dog sleeps on a red carpet." He and Elrohir were
up half the night discussing the likelihood of Elbereth owning a dog.
Dad woke us up at six this morning so we wouldn't miss a minute of skiing
fun. I groggily got dressed in my crappy ski gear, packed up my things,
and stumbled down to the car. It was still dark outside. Dad was
in such a hurry to get going that we didn't even have time for a proper breakfast-
we just got donuts from a drive-through window. I fell asleep on the
drive up the mountain. So did Elrohir and Legolas, and we all ended
up sort of flopped against each other in the back seat of Erestor's Tempo.
Erestor took a picture with my camera and showed us when we woke up.
From the angle of the photo, it looks like Legolas' hand is in a very awkward
spot in my lap. At least I'm hoping it's just the angle of the photo.
As we pulled into the car park at Anorhíl ski resort, I could clearly
see the big scrolling screen atop the gondola lodge displaying "DECEMBER 29TH"
and "BASE TEMP -29° VILLAGE TEMP -32°". Elrohir was first
out of the car, and he said, "Crap it's cold!" I followed him out and
had to agree. Erestor said, "I'm not skiing in this weather," and that
started an argument between him and dad, over pre-purchased lift tickets
and a non-refundability clause. I slunk off to the ski rental queue
so I wouldn't have to listen to them. By the time I got back things
had quietened down, but only because they weren't on speaking terms any more.
Dad silently handed me my lift pass, and I went to join Elrohir and Legolas
in the gondola line. According to grandma, who showed up sometime later,
dad and Erestor went up the hill in separate gondolas.
At the top of the gondola were four chair lifts. It was so cold that
Legolas and I decided to go up the shortest chair. By the time we came
back down we had to sit in the day lodge for fifteen minutes to warm up our
frozen hands and feet. Then we did one more run, then sat in the lodge
for another fifteen minutes. The entire morning passed like that, until
we met up with Elrohir, who was shivering so much he couldn't talk properly.
We sat in the lodge for half an hour and had a lunch of hot soup. Then,
since we were feeling a bit more adventurous and since we heard on the lodge
radio that the temperature had gone up to -27, we set off to go up the Eagle
chair and then the Summit chair to the top of the mountain. We had to
sit in the cookie shack at the top of the Summit chair for fifteen minutes
to warm up, and then come back in to the day lodge for hot chocolate once
we got to the bottom. In total, I think I spent twice as much time in
the day lodge as I did actually skiing.
At 4.30 when the lifts closed, we hauled all our crap up to the on-hill
hotel. Grandpa and Erestor were sitting in the lobby playing cards.
As I tried to coax circulation back into my fingers, I couldn't help but
think that they had the right idea. Erestor said that he had already
checked us in, and handed Elrohir, Legolas and me our key cards. We
are sharing a room, of course. It is between dad and Erestor's room
and Thranduil's room. I am going to be hearing noises filtering through
both walls all night, between the trying-to-get-pregnant vitamins and the
inevitable apology sex.
All our bags had already been brought up to the room. I changed out
of my ski things and immediately flopped down on one of the beds, and must
have fallen asleep straight away. I am clearly not in very good shape
if a day of sitting around in the lodge and some skiing can wear me out like
that. But I woke up to dad shaking me, saying it was time to go for
supper. I was too tired to want to go for supper, but also too hungry
to want to stay in bed, so I settled halfway and wore my pyjamas down to the
dining room. Dad made a disapproving face, but I don't think anyone
else noticed, since my pyjamas consist of GHU sweats and tee-shirt.
I ordered fish sticks. I think the pyjamas were preventing me from wanting
to order anything remotely resembling adult food, like chicken stuffed with
mushrooms or grilled vegetables on soy noodles. Thranduil didn't join
us for supper. I'm pretty sure he was still out on the hill, walking
up and skiing down.
After supper I went down to the pool and sat in the hot tub with grandma
for a while, but she got mad at me for calling her "grandma" while she was
shamelessly flirting with some college boys. Then she got madder at
me when they started laughing and called her a cougar. I left the pool
area and went to watch television with grandpa, only he kept falling asleep
in the recliner and wasn't very good company. So after wandering around
the hotel corridors aimlessly for about half an hour, I gave up and went back
to the room. The television was showing music videos and Elrohir and
Legolas were sitting on the bed, surrounded by candy. They had spent
thirty eight dollars on candy at the gift shop, and were arm wrestling over
the last Reese cup. I solved the dilemma and ate it for them.
Then, once they were good and hyper from all the sugar and chemicals, they
went down to the pool to go water sliding. Elrohir thought it would
be the funniest thing ever to wear two bathing suits at the same time, so
he did. Experience is telling me that they'll be kicked out within the
hour.
December 30th
When dad came to wake us up this morning, he got confused when he saw four
pair of swim shorts drying on the radiator and only three of us in the room.
The problem will likely stay with him for the rest of the day.
I didn't really want to go skiing, but Elrohir wanted me to take some action
photos of him going over jumps, so I figured I might as well. I spent
a lot of time huddled near the bottom of snowboard jumps, watching for Elrohir
and trying to keep warm. After three hours I only had two decent shots
because I kept having to stick my camera down the front of my parka to warm
it up and I missed the jumps. Then dad happened to ski by, and he insisted
on taking us all up to the highest peak on the Top of the World T-bar.
I couldn't feel my hands by the time we got to the top, and then I still had
to face the long ski down. It was followed by a good forty minutes in
the day lodge, drinking cider and eating stew. Legolas joined me halfway
through. He sat down, put his head in his hands, and said, "I never
want to go outside again." Thranduil had made him go down a run on
the south side of the mountain, and he took a wrong turn and got stuck in
a valley full of trees. He still had pine needles on his hat.
We waited until dad and Thranduil came in for lunch and told them we were
off to explore some new runs we hadn't done yet. Then, as soon as they
were safely in the hamburger queue and unable to watch us, we went straight
to the hotel and dumped our skis in the locker room. We spent the rest
of the afternoon looking in the hotel gift shops, watching an ice sculpture
contest, and posing as EnMax employees to get in on a complimentary wine and
cheese reception. At four we changed back into our ski clothes and
went and sat in the day lodge to wait for Elrohir. All in all, it was
much better than actually skiing.
December 31st
I looked at my ski pass this morning and saw that it was good through to
January 2nd. I can't take that much skiing! Legolas and I are
running out of creative ways to stay inside. Erestor spotted us in the
games room today. We went back outside after that, but I had to stoop
to pretending to twist my ankle to get out of going up the Top of the World
tee-bar with dad again.
The only thing I can think of now is to get really hammered tonight at the
hotel's New Years' celebration and hopefully wind up with too bad a hangover
to be able to ski tomorrow.
January 1st, 3020
Got hammered as per plan, and suffered through the resulting bad hangover.
Unfortunately, dad thought that fresh air and exercise would be the perfect
cure for said hangover, so I had to go skiing today after all. Even
worse, he stuck by my side every minute to make sure I was getting the most
out of it. The only up side was that it wasn't so cold today.
Only -19. Only! Ha! I can't wait to get back to the Grey
Havens. The entire city shuts down if the temperature drops below -10.
I can't really remember which runs dad and I did. I only remember
being cold and trying not to fall. I kept looking at my watch, but
noon couldn't come fast enough. Then when it did come, lunch sped by,
and I was back on the hill again with dad. Elrohir also joined us.
Then I kept looking at my watch waiting for 4.30 to come. Then when
4.30 finally came, I went straight to my room and fell asleep. I woke
up at ten, and I haven't been able to get back to sleep. My plans never
work out right! Tomorrow I will have to ask Elrohir to help me think
up a get-out-of-skiing plan. For some reason, his zany schemes have
a higher rate of success.
January 2nd
The scheme Elrohir came up with sounded brilliant at first, and probably
was brilliant until I actually tried to pull it off. His idea was for
me to rent a snowboard for the day, thus being able to stay on the beginner
hill and far away from dad. Everything went wonderfully until I actually
tried to snowboard.
I couldn't even stand up on the dumb thing. Every time I got myself
almost vertical, I started to tip either forward or backward. Within
minutes, both my wrists and my bum were aching. Then, once I had almost
mastered the standing up part, Elrohir forced me to try the moving part.
I fell over many more times. The next several hours went more or less
along those same lines. But after lunch I managed to slide about ten
metres without falling over. After another hour, I was up to twenty
metres. Finally, by the end of the day, I could go the length of the
rope tow without falling. I still couldn't stop properly, though.
My stopping method consisted of falling over. If I were a character
in a romance novel, I just know some dashing snowboard pro would have come
swooshing up to offer me the benefit of his expertise (among other things).
But alas I am only me, and the only snowboard genius around was Elrohir, who
seemed more concerned with writing "X-MEN HELLO" in the snow than helping
me learn how to not fall over.
However, Elrohir and I did manage to spend the entire day doing pretty much
nothing, and it went much more quickly than being dragged all over the mountain
by dad. Also falling over is hard work. I was actually sweating
by the end of the afternoon. Legolas, unfortunately, wasn't so lucky.
Thranduil had dragged him through all sorts of expert-only runs and dubious
trails through the trees, where he cracked one of his ski boots. He
fell asleep in the gondola on the way back down to the car park, and slept
in the car on the entire long drive back to Rivendell. I tried to sleep,
but between his and Elrohir's snoring there was no way. I was forced
to talk to dad and Erestor instead. That became awkward after a few
seconds, so dad decided to put on a tape. The only tape we could all
agree on was Blondie. We listened to a continuous Blondie loop all the
way home.
January 3rd
There were well over 100 unheard messages on our answering service when
we got home. Dad made me listen to them all this morning and delete
everything he didn't need to hear. I deleted 136 messages and kept
three. The first one was from Círdan, saying he arrived safely
back at the Grey Havens, though he thinks he left his hand towel in the bathroom.
The second was from Glorfindel, wondering where we were. There were
four other messages from Glorfindel as well, but I only kept the most recent
one. Then the third was from Aerthos. I immediately felt sort
of bad for not telephoning him in weeks. He sounded a bit sad on the
message. Also a bit mad at me. Probably more mad at me than sad.
I would have telephoned him right then, but it was time to take grandma and
grandpa and Haldir and Orophin to the airport.
I rang him once I got back. I tried to say that it wasn't for lack
of interest that I hadn't telephoned earlier, and told him about the extra
guests and Thranduil and the skiing adventure, but all he said was, "Oh."
Then I asked him about his holidays. He said he spend a usual Fiommereth
in Forlond with his parents. His aunt and uncle came over for turkey
dinner one night, but that's about it. I said it sounded very relaxing
and unstressful. He said it was boring and he wished I had been around.
I told him I'd be back at the Grey Havens tomorrow, but even that didn't do
much to make him sound cheerier. In fact the entire conversation was
pretty depressing. After a few minutes I couldn't take it any more so
I lied and told him that dad needed to use the telephone for important government
business. I am a terrible boyfriend. I kept hoping dad would
show up within a few seconds and say he really did need to use the telephone,
thus removing a bit of my guilt, but no such luck. He was too busy
helping Erestor undecorated the house.
After packing up all my things and getting ready to go back to the Grey
Havens tomorrow, I went to spend a last few quality hours in the den with
Elrohir and Legolas. Unfortunately they weren't in the den, so I got
to spend a few quality hours with them in the kitchen. They were holding
scientific trials to figure out which soft drinks best went with which foods.
According to their findings, Coke goes well with chilli but tastes like dust
when mixed with Dentyne, Fresca goes with pickles but not with chicken soup,
Sprite goes with almost everything and is best with noodles, and Junior Mints
nullify the taste of Dr. Pepper. I asked which soft drink they'd recommend
to go with Pizza Pops, and they said Orange Crush. We had Pizza Pops
with Orange Crush for supper, followed by a desert of Jolly Ranchers and lemon
tea. It was all surprisingly harmonious. Elrohir truly is a junk
food connoisseur.
I am going to miss interesting suppers like that when I get back to residence,
where they feed us almost exclusively pasta and hamburgers.
Continued in Part 7
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