I Wanna Heal 1
By Orchyd Constyne
The golden sun cast a warm embrace on the three figures sprawled across
the lawn. Elladan lay on his back with his long legs bent slightly.
Elrohir rested his dark head on his brother's belly, eyes closed as the elder
twin stroked the long hair. Elladan had returned early from border
patrol and still smelled of pine and horse. Legolas was laying on his
side, facing Elladan with his ear pressed against Elrohir's chest, his lover's
heartbeat lulling him into a comfortable half-wakeful state. A gentle
breeze tossed his hair about and he felt laughter bubble in his chest.
The Prince of Mirkwood was never as happy as when the three of them simply
relaxed on one of Imladris' far lawns, basking in the presence of each other.
After the tension of the Council meeting Elrond had called a week ago, spending
his days out in the air with the Peredhil twins was a blessing.
Speaking softly, Legolas questioned the twins. "What are you thinking?"
He had long ago stopped asking them separately. If
Elrohir was thinking it, so was Elladan.
"We are concerned about this Quest set before our people." Legolas
smiled as Elrohir's chest vibrated with his speaking. "Our largest
concern is that Ada will send one or both of us."
"Do you fear such a quest?"
Elladan shook his head, turning his intense grey gaze on Legolas. "Not afraid
of such a quest, maethorem valthen. Our worry comes from leaving you
behind to go on such an endeavor."
Legolas smiled faintly at the endearment the twins had called him for years.
"Maethyren vyrn, your worry is admirable, but please don't. If your father
chooses you for this journey, my blessings go with you. But, he may ask Lord
Glorfindel, as he is an extremely accomplished warrior and would be invaluable
to the Company."
The twins nodded and Elrohir's hand came up to stroke Legolas' hair. Elrohir's
brow furrowed as he thought about the two loves in his life. He and Elladan
had been together since their majority, their love burning brightly and like
no other. At least, that was what they had thought, reflected the youngest
twin. Then they had met Legolas.
He had not shared his thoughts with his brother about the depth of his affection
for the Mirkwood Prince. Elrohir had known for centuries that the three
of them were bound in spirit. He was always aware of Legolas, even
when the warrior was hundreds of leagues away. He could sense his well-being
and emotions, but he could not hear his thoughts... not yet. Legolas
and Elladan had yet to admit the bond, refused to see the connection.
Elladan was close to seeing it, thought Elrohir. When Legolas took
a lover the previous summer while in Lothlorien, Elladan had been furious.
As he was every time the Prince bedded someone other than them. But,
the structure of their relationship had not altered in the years since their
first night together. Legolas never spoke of love of lifelong commitment
and neither did Elladan.
So, Elrohir allowed them their ignorance. He knew. That was
all that mattered to him. Elladan never understood how his brother
could accept that Legolas had lovers, and Elrohir would just smile softly
and reassure him that Legolas was not abandoning them. He *always*
came back to the twins.
Elladan's gaze fell on Elrohir. His brother was thinking, but Elrohir
was actively blocking Elladan from knowing those thoughts. He had noticed
that Elrohir had begun refusing him complete access from his thoughts shortly
after they had bedded Legolas. It irked the Peredhel, wondering what
it was that his brother felt he had to *hide* from him. It angered
him about as much as when had found out that Haldir had shared Legolas' bed
in Lothlorien the previous summer.
Gwanunig? came the hesitant thought from Elrohir.
You have decided to rejoin me, Elrohir? Elladan saw his brother
physically recoil from the acid behind the thought.
You know I do not keep anything important from you, Elladan.
His eyes narrowed. If the topic is not important, why keep me out?
Elrohir sighed heavily, withdrawing back to his own mind. He looked
down to the blond Elf on his chest and saw the hurt in the blue eyes.
"I hate that you can speak with one another and I am left outside."
They had had this conversation several times over the course of their relationship.
The twins tried hard not to Farspeak one another when their lover was in
residence, but it was a natural form of communication for them that it was
hard not to. Legolas could enjoy the same intimacy that Farspeech offered,
but since he refused to accept the bond, he was left deaf and silent.
Elrohir had always wished to see his lover's thoughts, thinking that it might
shed some light on why he kept his distance when it came to permanency.
Legolas sat up suddenly, his heart squeezing tightly in his chest.
No matter what he told himself, he was always outside what his lovers shared.
They could never be a whole.
"I have to go," he said simply, rising to his feet.
"Legolas..." Elladan began but stopped as Legolas stormed off toward his
rooms. That was something else that upset Elladan, Legolas refused
to share their quarters. He insisted on his own room, whether he ever
slept in there or not. He turned sad eyes to his brother.
"We've hurt him again, Caulen," Elrohir said softly.
Elladan sighed heavily, closing his eyes and silently curing the Valar for
offering them so much but keeping it just out of their reach.
*****
Legolas rushed to his rooms. He felt like a spoiled Elfling, running
off like Elladan had called him a nasty name. Legolas couldn't truly
place where his anger came from. He had been enjoying the company of
his lovers, feeling content and settled for the first time in months, and
then he saw the changing expressions on Elladan's face. He knew they
were speaking between themselves.
And he felt like an outsider to them.
They had existed before him, and he knew they would exist after he left.
The bitterness he felt was foreign to him. The Prince rarely felt such
envy as he did when the twins spoke to each other. They seemed to convey
so much more by a simple look that he ever could with his entire being.
It was while he was fuming, feeling sorry for himself, that he caught sight
of a tall blond Elf in the royal colors of Mirkwood.
"Adar?" he called out.
Thranduil turned around, his hand resting on his chamber door. "Legolas."
His voice was flat and his son could see the sadness that shadowed his eyes.
"What are you doing here?" Legolas covered the distance between them,
his brow furrowing in concern.
Thranduil looked Legolas over. He could see the younger Elf was agitated,
and not because of his father's unannounced visit to the valley. Elrond
had asked him not to reveal the reason behind his presence in Imladris, but
Thranduil just could not lie to his son. "Elrond asked for my counsel regarding
this quest."
Legolas nodded, then cast another questioning gaze at his father. "Why are
you staying in your rooms, Ada? I can't remember the last time you
used them..."
This was becoming difficult. After the argument he had just had with
his lover, Thranduil was loathe to have another one. He needed to think
quickly or he would offend his son and betray Elrond with the truth.
"Elrond and I had a disagreement. You know my temper better than anyone,"
he said, smiling fondly at both the blessing and bane of his existence.
"I desired to be alone for a while, to think about what was said and reconcile
with my actions."
The Elf nodded at the King. His father had always been wise, even
if he was rash at times. Legolas had inherited his streak of
recklessness from Thranduil. He reached out and hugged his father,
inhaling the familiar scent that had comforted him long ago after nightmares
as a child. "It is good to see you, Ada," he whispered.
Thranduil returned the embrace, smiling despite his sadness. "What
is it, Greenleaf? What troubles you so? Have you had a disagreement
with Elladan and Elrohir?"
Legolas released his father and sighed. He didn't want to confess
his childish behavior and opted to shake his head. "No, not really.
I just felt the need to be alone, as well, Ada. A nap, perhaps, would
do me good."
Thranduil nodded and quickly embraced his son once more. "Then rest
well, Legolas. I will see you at the evening meal."
Legolas nodded and entered his rooms next to his father's. He suddenly
felt exhausted and a short nap did seem like a good idea to him.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Elladan and Elrohir walked slowly to their rooms, both pondering their recent
conversation with Thranduil. It had been two weeks since their spat
with Legolas, and the blond had not spoken to them since. So, the twins
had gone to his father for help. The King had indeed shed some light
on Legolas' behavior, but neither twin felt any closer to knowing what to
do about the situation.
Elladan sat on their bed, watching his brother remove his cloak and boots,
sighing deeply. "Elrohir?"
Grey eyes met grey eyes, sadness thrumming between them. Elrohir came
and sat beside his older brother, folding his legs under him and looking
dejectedly out their window.
"If we hurt him so, gwanunig, why does he continue to return to us winter
after winter?" Elladan watched his brother's face soften slightly and
the younger Peredhel turned his gaze back to his brother.
"Why? Elladan, if you stopped being so obtuse and looked into yourself,
you would see why he continues to seek us out."
The room grew silent as Elladan did just that, thought about the Mirkwood
Prince and the depth of his feelings for him. In that
moment, his eyes grew wide and he let out a small, undignified yelp. "No!"
"Oh, yes, Caulen. We are. Have been since the beginning."
"And you never told me?!" Elladan stood from the bed, his eyes blazing.
"*This* is what you have been hiding from me!"
Elrohir tried to reach out to his brother, but Elladan yanked his hand away.
"Elladan, you were no more ready to know of the bond then as Legolas is now.
You needed the time to realize it, to come to the conclusion yourself.
I did not *want* to hide it from you..."
Elladan let out a long breath. "This complicates everything."
Elrohir shook his head. "It's always been this complicated, but at
least I am not alone in it anymore."
Elladan smiled at his twin, leaning down and placing a chaste kiss on lips
he had savored for centuries. "No, you're not."
*****
Legolas sat beside Estel in one of the many gardens Imladris had to offer.
He was happily watching the four Hobbits play a game amongst themselves.
It was amusing, to say the least. Every now and again, they would stop,
and he would hear Merry or Pippin cry, "No, Frodo! You can't tig on a tog!"
or something equally unintelligible. No matter how many times they
tried, he and Estel just could not understand the rules of the game.
They seemed fluid, as if they were changing with Frodo's actions.
But, it humored the Elf and the Man, so the Hobbits continued their game.
"Legolas? Why is it you are not with Elladan and Elrohir?" Estel
knew his foster brothers and the son of Thranduil were close friends. Legolas
had been visiting Imladris every other winter since Estel could remember,
always staying close to the twins. It was odd that the Prince was here
with him and not with them.
The Sinda turned his deep blue eyes to his friend and smiled sadly. "We
had a disagreement, meldir. I felt it was necessary to spend time with
others before I attempted to repair the damage the spat may have caused."
Estel nodded, smiling warmly. "I am honored you chose to spend that
time with us." Legolas, though kind and gentle, rarely spent time with
the Ranger, preferring the twins', Glorfindel's or Erestor's company to his
or Arwen's. "Do you need a confidant, Legolas?"
Legolas thought for a few moments, trying to decide his course of action.
He and Estel had been friends for many years, occasionally going on hunts
together. He never actively tried to avoid the Man, it was just that
his attentions were so focused on his twins while in Imladris. He looked
into the open, honest blue-hazel eyes and decided that he needed to speak
with *someone* -- and preferably not one who was extremely close to him.
"Walk with me, mellonamin. I could use your counsel."
Estel excused them from the Hobbits, who rushed off with Lindir for a mid-afternoon
meal. Legolas had never seen such tiny creatures eat so much and so
often. They walked slowly along one of the many paths found in the
valley, heading to a secluded waterfall and glade Legolas had found with
Elladan long ago.
"What burdens your soul, my Lord?"
The blond Elf looked out over the falls, his heart sore and his spirit battered.
"Your foster brothers."
Estel nodded. He had always suspected more than friendship, but this
was the first time any in the party had come out and told him about the relationship.
"They have harmed you?"
Legolas shook his head. "No, not harmed me. Perhaps it is I
harming them... or myself." He sighed, gracefully folding his legs
beneath him and sitting on the ground. Estel plopped beside him, with
all the grace of a Man. "They have a bond, a connection to one another
I could never hope to share. It leaves me feeling alienated, alone,
and empty. When they speak with one another in that silent way, my
heart aches with the knowledge that I will not share my thoughts with them.
I have come to care for them, and I know they care for me. But..."
He drifted off, his confusing thoughts and emotions roiling in him, making
his head ache.
"Are the three of you in love?"
Deep azure eyes met knowing hazel ones. Legolas snorted softly, raising
an eyebrow. "In love? No," he said, looking away. "I do
not believe the three of us share such an emotion. In five centuries,
love has never been a topic any one of us have broached."
"But there is obviously a deep affection you each feel for each other. In
all the years I have lived, I have never known my foster brothers to be promiscuous,
handing their favors out to everyone who comes along." Estel played
with a blade of grass, glancing over at the sullen Prince. Silence
met his statement and he chose to continue his line of thought. "Whatever
hurt is between the three of you, I am certain it can be mended. My
foster brothers are many thing, Legolas, but cruel they are not. Nor are
they the kind to bear enmity -- especially those they care for."
Legolas nodded slowly. "Thank you, Estel. You have been most
helpful." He stood, stretching slightly. "I think I will return
to the house. I will see you at the evening meal." Legolas turned
and began to stroll away, his thoughts swirling around Estel's words.
"Legolas?" the Man called out, pulling the Prince from those thoughts. The
Elf looked back over his shoulder at his friend.
"Yes, meldir?"
"Keep in mind, there is more to love than just the words."
Legolas smiled softly and bowed his head in respect, leaving Estel to the
soft sounds of the waterfall. He had to find the twins.
Continued in Part Two
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