The Early Years- Narrated by Haldir, Captain and Marchwarden of Lothlorien
"Ah, Celeborn, thank you for the lovely
gift. This picture of you and Legolas making a kissy face at me cheek to cheek
with each other is just what I needed to put on my desk. "To my beloved
Captain, you can guard my rear anytime, love"…heh heh, welcome again to
another edition of Elfography. I am your host Haldir, who was also Marchwarden
Of Lothlorien and maybe Captain too…some say I am, some say I am not…but that
does not matter. What matters is that my idiotic brothers didn't tell me that
we were on the air when I was saying that out loud!"
"Well, no (censored) Sherlock!"
"Yeah, what do you expect (censored)?"
"I expect to give you another ass kicking
if you don't behave yourselves. Now, as I was saying…once again, welcome to
Elfography. Tonight is "Viewer's Choice" night and it seems the
viewers-both of them-wanted Legolas…and Legolas we shall give them.
Legolas…warrior, prince, porn star. Yes, porn star. We all know his career move
as one of the nine walkers, but we all know him to be more famous for his
established and well-spanned porn career, in front of and behind the camera. We
will explore the roots of the most well known elf of our time, including the
dysfunctional family life that would mold his character and his decisions for
centuries to come and that would influence everyone around him. He was born in
the Third Age…in fact, the background on his early years is so clouded that we
do not even know his accurate age. One source says he's about five hundred and
another near three thousand…which makes more sense since he was present at
Elrond and Celebrian's wedding in 109 TA, as mentioned in Celeborn's
Elfography, so we will go with that one. His father was Thranduril, King of the
Silvan and Sindarin elves in Eryn Lasgalen but was known as either Eryn Galen
or Mirkwood at the time and his mother was Queen…Queen…who was she again?"
"Who knows? No one knows her name, since
everyone has either called her sweet cakes or mom or Queen or my lady, everyone
forgot."
"Yeah, add to the fact that the woman was a
serious agoraphobic and xenophobic and would not even stay in the same room
with us when we went to interview her, that's why you only hear her voice and
don't actually see her. No wonder that kid was so screwed up."
"Yeah, that and being the only child of
Thranduril's didn't help either, I bet."
"Ugh, that one is a bad influence on
everyone-"
"Will you both shut up? I'm the one
narrating here, not you. Anyway, as my brother stated, Legolas was the only
child of the King and Queen and was born and raised in Eryn Lasgalen in the
early Third Age. Little did he know how much his own life would have such an
influence in his own home and around Middle Earth, both professional and
private and that they would even out shadow the achievements of his own
father…"
---
"Legolas Greenleaf started out his
childhood as any other elf did, running through the tress naked and covered in
blue paint-which probably helped shaped his exhibitionist ways later on-and
learning how to use Elvish weapons to perfection, especially the bow and arrow
which won him several tournaments and many trophies, which pleased his royal
parents very much, as one of royal blood is supposed to know how to defend
himself and his kingdom in combat…if it every happened. But as a Prince, he was
also taught how to behave like one, including courses on manners and several forms
of speech, including Common, Quenyan and his normal tongue Sindarin.
Unfortunately, his father Thranduril had a harder time of controlling him, as
it was his mother who mostly taught him these things behind a curtain, so even
though he heard her voice, he never actually saw her face most of the time. His
relationship with his father suffered because of this-plus the fact the he was
drinking and cursing most of the time didn't help matters either."
"Well, my parents were every bit as
important to me as everyone else's…only that everyone else's parents seemed
more sane than mine. My mother was a closet case-literally-and my father's
parenting skills made Feanor's look saintly. How I managed to survive that
(censored) experience in one (censored) piece is beyond me. At least I was able
to express myself and be more free and naked in ways that the other elves were
not allowed because of my parents neglect and weirdness and I learned from it
and other things a lot quicker because of it."
"Ah, my son was a real joy upon my
life…that was until the actual act made me so depressed that I became a shut
in. I know how Miriel felt, only I was not so desperate as to kill myself
because of it…I mean Legolas is no Feanor. Anyway, despite all that, he was as
supportive as possible to me and my problems and understood my way of parenting
by stick poking and pointing instead of actual interaction and contact. I mean
I never even touched him with my own hands until he was at least a decade old
and that was because Thranduril couldn't catch him when his covered in mud like
a piglet. I am glad he grew out of that phase…at least with the covering of his
body…he never really got over the rest of it, but I am still so proud of
him…whatever he did."
"That kid was a (censored) retard. He spent
his early years running around like a retarded midget, strolling around naked
throughout my castle and streaking in my throne room during my meetings…makes
me wonder what the hell happened to make him like in the first place. Thank
goodness we managed to talk to him about the joys of clothes while we still had
a little influence on him, goodness knows up to that point he did everything
with no clothes on and spent every waking moment naked…thank the Valar he grew
up, got a hobby and went into killing things like normal elf lads. He was still
a dumbass though."
"Yes, it seems that Legolas had invented
the concept of nudism and while everything was peaceful and uneventful for the
first century of his life until one day changed everything, that being of
Elrond and Celebrian's wedding day."
"I got this scroll in the mail first class
from Imaldris telling me about some wedding that involved Elrond and one of
Celeborn's bratty kids-what a great guy he was though-and I wanted nothing to
do with it since Elrond had shown me and my dad up during the Battle Of The
Last Alliance, which (censored) me off and got my father killed… stupid
(censored). Anyway, even though I didn't want to go my darling wife wanted to
brave the open air and people to check out the mega stores they supposedly had
and that was the only other weakness she had. After a lot of begging and
nagging, I finally changed my mind and went. Boy, did I regret that. It was the
most boring ceremony ever until Celeborn made it worthwhile by giving that
great speech and got (censored) drunk. At least he was nice enough to thank me
for it. Afterwards we went to the nearest bathroom we could find and got even
more so…hell, I can't even remember what happened which just made it all the
more fun. Heh heh heh."
"It was so embarrassing for all…well,
except for me, Legolas, Celeborn and Thranduril. Thranduril enjoyed it because
he got drunk and thought everything was funny and Celeborn was too drunk to
care. Legolas and I on the other hand weren't embarrassed because we weren't
surprised by anything Thranduril did or said at that point. Besides, I think
Elrond was hitting on my son. It didn't matter to me; I was satisfied with all
the shopping I did, so I had no problems with everything until later. I had a good time at first. I met everyone I
had heard about and they were all nice to me-or at least put up with me being a
child and all-and the food and the drinks were good, my parents were separated
from each other and I was able to show off my shooting skills. Then that damn
speech changed everything. We were only supposed to stay as long as the
ceremony lasted but my dad stole all the Thick Tress Elven Cordial and Elven
Star Water Falls malt liquor as he could smuggle into one bathroom and
proceeded to get even more plastered with Celeborn and disappeared for two
days. In that time, my mother nearly broke the bank and spent almost all of my
dad's jewelry horde-which is why he doesn't have more than the others-at the
stores and also disappeared for two days."
"I, on the other hand, had problems of my
own. Despite that fact that Elrond kept hitting on me-or rather suggested
something of the sort when he couldn't get arrested for it-I was being stalked
by this Nandoran girl that was the same age as me. I didn't know I was such a
chick magnet even at that age. I did catch the garter and she caught the
bouquet but when she first saw me when I was meeting everyone, she followed me
everywhere. This girl was obviously a borderline stalker, she kept winking and sticking
her fingers out at me and trailing me everywhere, it was creeping me out. Later
on that night, I eventually caved in and let her talk to me. She turned out to
be really nice, sweet, funny, smart and the sanest one there. We hid ourselves
behind the building in the dark corners nearby and just talked ourselves
stupid. I talked about my parents and my life in Eryn Galen and she talked
about her (censored) up her own parents were, her life in Belfalas and how
bored she was of it all. Then something happened that I didn't expect as I was
still talking about how to line a bow when she kissed me. Just flat out kissed
me…which did shut me up pretty good either way. Suffice to say, things got
pretty hot and we were both about to play this game she heard of called
"Seven Minutes In Valinor"-it must have been a Belfalas thing-and she
showed off hers and I showed her mine, which must have impressed her severely
since she had said that she had seen nothing like it and that it was not
normal. I was basking in the afterglow of the comment when the worst thing that
could ever happen to an elven equivalent of a teenager happened-my mother
showed up. Out of all the times she could decide to take a break from her
spending spree and look for my father instead, she had to find me naked the one
time I didn't want her to see me naked and ready to cop a feel. I was so
embarrassed. That girl ran off into the night with her clothes and left me to
stand there to face the wrath of my parents alone."
"These kids today. They were too young to
do stuff like that. My son should not have been doing such things with an elven
girl…why, in my day and age, we didn't play Seven Minutes In Valinor until we
were at least courting. They only knew each other for at least a couple of
hours! My goodness. I blame her and her parents for this… but I mostly blame
Thranduril. He should have told him about stuff like this…you know…the
talk…every elf should know about these things when they are least a century
old. Of course, knowing Thranduril, his talk probably consisted of waking him
up in the middle of the night with a drink in his hand saying that we get it
off and that we should enjoy it for what it was worth while we could get it and
passed out on the floor, traumatizing the child. Do you realize how I felt when
I saw that? I was shocked and disgusted with it all. My poor baby…"
"That dumbass. At least it was nice to see
that he followed my advice to some extent. I have to agree with his mother
though, he was a bit too young but I guess also should have had that talk about
not getting caught if you're trying to do something naughty. Oh well. That
(censored) retard should have figured that out on his own."
"Man, I never heard the end of it on that
one. If I thought them bitching at me about me running around naked as a child
was bad, they rode me on this one for centuries. I thought my mother's
condescending was bad but it was nothing compared to my father's constant
yelling, improved amounts of swearing and generally just following me around until
this eventually slipped their minds. Whatever chance I had of maturing into a
sane, normal elf just went down the stream along with whatever chance I had of
a normal sex life. I mean, times were changing…they were both being so Second
Age and old fashioned, it was ridiculous."
"Despite all of Legolas' personal problems,
things were also changing in his home land as his father desired more than just
to catch up with the other elf lords in not just in how much gold and treasure
they had but in sheer commercialism as well, wanting to build an empire he
called his own. He began to build shopping centers, supermarkets, jewelry
dealers and other places he felt were necessary to make him look better.
Eventually, it began to work as Celeborn opened one of his first EvenStarBucks
coffee shops in his land. Most of this didn't even seem to concern Legolas as
he cared nothing for most material things unlike his parents as he began to
reassume his nudist phase once more-at least in private."
"Yeah, my father was a real stickler when
it came to his image. He had that serious envy thing going on there and he
still does. Celeborn opening a coffee store here-despite how good the product
was-didn't help matters. Then there was the thing with dwarves. My father hated
dwarves and he passed it on to everyone, even me. That whole gate incident
after the shadow fell was what probably really started it. He said that he paid
their construction company…they said he didn't. He kicked them out and never
let another dwarf in again voluntarily. It didn't help that I had a bad
experience with them as well…but all that came later on. My parents and I
disagreed with a lot of things. I am more into nature and being carefree, I
still love running through the tress on a summer night naked…when I am alone at
least. My parents brainwashed the meaning of shame into me as well, which I
will never forgive them for. I'm just glad most of that stuff that they
brainwashed into me went away over time."
"As Thranduril continued on to build his
empire and concentrated his areas there and his mother became more and more
closed in, Legolas started to mature more and more as the final stages of elven
growth began to kick in. He began to pick up more dangerous and thrilling
hobbies like climbing up and rope dropping off treetops and taking a shield and
riding it over staircases before flipping off them while shooting arrows into
targets for show. He also focused more on learning about other lands and
kingdoms, studying about the race of men and improved on several other skills.
His social skills were the ones that were the most improved, which surprised
even him. As he grew, he had become more and more handsome and everyone began
to notice it. Maidens of the court began to curry his favor quickly, which
seemed to please his father, but then so did several of the lower ranks of the
male sentries and soldiers, which did not. This would bring about his most
important change and decision, as he found himself attracted to both men and
women."
"At first I was confused by my bisexuality.
I did not know if it was wrong because my parents didn't look well on it and I
felt I needed to tell them something or at least ask someone for advice and
help. I tried to write a message to Elrond and asked for something from him but
he just asked me if I was still a virgin, if he could do something to fix that
and when I would be going back there so he was no help what so ever. Since I
couldn't talk to my parents about it and thought that if it was just a phase
that it would go away on its own, I just decided to go with it and see where it
would take me. That was the easy part…talking to one of those I was attracted
to who was a very low ranking male sentry and starting a relationship was the
hard part. I was as nervous as a small elfling trying to steal a piece of
lembas from a jar without getting caught, considering that I didn't even know
if he felt the same for me and if he was even into other guys to begin with,
then there was the thing about all the hiding so my parents wouldn't get
another sudden urge to kill me, since it seems I'm always either thirty again
to them or they don't care, which might have scared him away too. It was all so
frustrating. I thought it would be worth the risk anyway and went for it.
Thankfully, it all worked out for the best as it turned out he was as attracted
to me as I was to him and that he was willing to risk getting killed in my
place, so it was all cool. Yes, my first relationship was with a guy…as was my
first time. It was amazing. My first time with an elven woman would not come
until later. Which was one was better? Hey, it's all the same to me. Sex is
sex. I look for the total package when I look for a mate, whether it is male or
female. They have to have a sharp and open mind, a good and kind heart and a
wise soul. You would be surprised how difficult it is to find that, in either
man or elf. Either way that first time was when I discovered something
interesting about my anatomy. It seems that my boyfriend also complimented me
about my… well…member and said it was not of normal size, which was pretty much
the same thing that the Nandoran chick said earlier on. I had decided to ask my
father what was wrong with it when I had the chance."
"Oh, he did that all right. Trouble was he
asked right in the middle of the day…in my throne room…where everyone was
around. He stormed in one day, asked for my attention, dropped his pants in
front of me and for everyone to see and asked me straight out what was wrong
with his…member. Despite everyone staring or drooling over it, which was worse
and just plain rude, I was more shocked than anything else. Not in the fact
that my son had a big one but in the fact that he pick that particular time and
just showed it off like it was it a piece of cloth or a finger. That boy had no
shame whatsoever…proving once again that he could act like a (censored) retard
sometimes. After the thought that he was on drugs passed my mind, I told him
that there was nothing wrong with it and asked why he would bring up that
particular subject…well, after I told him to pull up pants back up at least…and
that's when he told me. I was devastated and disappointed at first but over
time I grew to live with it since it would only hurt or help him and not anyone
else or my kingdom, since I never really had to stop being king if I didn't
want to. His mother took it much worse than I did, sobbing away in the next
room and asking why he was the way he was and what they did wrong and all that
stuff. They never really talked much after that. It was like they went their
separate ways…she became more and more secluded and he became more and more
open. I never looked at him the same way again either, but as I said those
wounds healed slowly and we began to understand each other again
eventually."
"No longer having any fear of hiding who he
was, his reputation was slightly damaged by the announcement but that did not
phase him as his relationship with his boyfriend grew stronger over time, until
that and his home was severely tested when the roof caved in. After about a
thousand years into the Third Age, the great shadow fell upon his homeland and
changed everything. Publicly, he was called upon as a Prince to rally his
people and ease their worries and rest their fears which began to affect his
private life as his status began to overrun his relationship."
"It was terrible. Everything became harder
to see, the forest creatures began to change, orcs were moving in and building
their own suburbs and condos in the south, Sauron-even though we didn't know it
then, eventually started to build his megaplex in Dol Guldur and everyone was
getting caffeine addiction from the coffee we all drank, it was just a
nightmare. My relationship with that sentry was falling apart. He didn't like
me being gone all the time and I didn't like him being so grabby about it, so
we had to end it. It was a shame, but it just wasn't meant to be I guess. It
also began to affect my mom and it made her more neurotic than usual…if that
was possible. Help eventually came when Glorfindel and the Istari came by to
inspect the place. This is where I first met Mithrander or Gandalf and
Glorfindel, who was much more interesting. Glorfindel and I started talking
about death and rebirth and how boring he thought the Halls of Mandos were
despite the massive amounts of free grub and discount specials they had. Things
started to get interesting and we started to make out, then the clothes began
to come off and the flesh started flying. He was a good lay but we both knew it
was obviously a one-night thing. However, he was severely impressed with my
member and gave me a business card. It was for a company that made hardcore elf
pornography near where Eregion used to be and he said that I had some serious
potential if I chose to go that route and that my elfhood was a great gift and
superstar material. I had seen some of that stuff hidden in my dad's closet
that was from the First Age with Feanor's kids, Celeborn and Thingol and some
of the human couples porn that had Beren and Luthein in them…I mean the whole
Silmarillion was porn for crying out loud! Very depressing porn, but porn
nether the less. It even had the kind that would make back hut hick elves happy
with Turin and Nienor…it was gross, incest and all. However, after giving it
some serious though and consulting Celeborn, Elrond-who did some amateur Second
Age stuff-and Gil-Gilad I decided to go for it. At the time, I never thought I
could do anything else more achieving with my life. Boy…if I had known about
that Fellowship stuff earlier, I would have more than likely not given in so
easily."
---
"Oh yeah, baby...work it. You are so sexy
when you are naked…"
"Uh, Haldir?"
"Not now, Orophin. Mmmm mmm, delicious and
yummy…"
"Haldir?"
"What, Rumil?"
"You wanted to know when you were back
on?"
"Yes."
"Well…"
"Oh (censored)! Not again."
"Hey, at least we told you this time."
"Try it before the red light goes on next
time, (censored). Anyway, I was just studying some of the subject's first work
for the next part, which will cover his established porn making career as well
as his cover shoot for Playelf, which sold more than the first issue which
covered Celeborn himself…which I just happen to have several copies of."
"Yeah, we stole a copy each. Nice pics. I
can see why you get so turned on by him."
"Yeah, who knew the Lord Of Lorien could be
such a sex toy."
"They're not nearly as good as Legolas',
but I'd give him second best for sure."
"Oh, definitely. Neither one of us is into
boy toys like our older brother here, but man I am jealous, I will say that.
Celeborn is good, but you got to admit, Feanor was nice too. I mean he had to
be sexy enough to father seven kids. It's a shame Thranduril never did one in
his youth, I heard he was hot in his day."
"Oh yeah, he had to be. I mean, he did
spawn Legolas…am I right?"
"Both of you...I'm going to…please stay
tuned while I go get some aspirin and a crossbow. We'll be right back."