As Melkor sat chained by Angainor in the furthest chamber in the Halls of Mandos, he thought to himself for the thousandth time that Manwë was a real wanker.
2) Attributes
Often Melkor would call round to Fëanor's place of a summer afternoon. Sometimes he did it to try to sway Fëanor to his way of thinking, but other times it was just to gloat. Lately Melkor had been gloating a lot, so he wanted to have another go at the swaying.
He talked at Fëanor for a long while but Fëanor wasn't buying it. Then he remembered this was why he'd given up on the swaying, and he switched over to gloating. He bragged to Fëanor about his strength, power, knowledge, and skill. Melkor was, after all, most powerful of the Valar.
But Fëanor only looked up his nose at Melkor (Melkor was tall, thus making it impossible for Fëanor to look down his nose) and said, "I have seven sons. You are still a virgin."
Melkor, at a loss of what to say in response, went away after that. He resolved to lose his virginity as soon as possible.
3) Nienna
After much thought, Melkor noted that the only unmarried Valië was Nienna. He therefore sent an invitation inviting her round for tea. Then he went about making improvements to his house that might attract her fancy. He added a collection of potted ferns and replaced the stiff marble chairs with a nice plush sofa.
When Nienna arrived she mournfully commented on how nice the ferns looked against the stark black walls. Melkor hurried to usher her over to the sofa, where she sat and mournfully commented on how soft the cushions were in contrast to the harsh cruelty and everlasting sadness of Arda Marred. Melkor rolled his eyes. He had forgotten how depressing she could be.
Nienna drank tea and wept, and drank more tea and wept more, until Melkor suspected that she was simply crying out the tea as she drank, and he took the tea away. Then he put his arm around her and said, "Weep not, dear Nienna, for truly there is some joy in the world that thou might havest?"
But Nienna said, "Where others find joy, I see only sorrow. But I am alone in this, and I do not expect thee to share my grief."
At this Melkor took Nienna's hand, as he had seen Manwë do many times with Varda, and he said, "Thou needest not be alone. Yea, I would be with thee, and save thee from thy melancholy solitude!"
But Nienna made a strange face and said, "But Melkor, thou art my brother."
Melkor would have said that he didn't care, and that since he was evil already adding a bit of incest into the mix wasn't going to make things much worse than they already were. But he figured that it probably wouldn't be wise to admit to Nienna just yet that he was still evil. So he said nothing. His plan failed and Nienna left.
He would simply have to lower his standards and look among the Maiar.
4) Marriage
Nobody in Valinor was willing to marry Melkor. They were all obviously still sore about him being evil back at the beginning of the world. Ossë considered the offer, but Manwë declared it unlawful for any Vala or Maia to have more than one spouse. Manwë was obviously still sore about Ossë not considering his offer.
5) Elves
In general, Elves sing too much. As Melkor sat and tried to think, Elf songs kept filtering in through the drapes. It was starting to drive him somewhat mad.
The Elves are far too happy, he realised. That is why they sing so much. They must be stopped.
With this in mind, Melkor made a firm pledge to become thoroughly evil again as soon as reasonably possible.
6) Fashion
Before Melkor went to visit Ungoliant to set his evil scheme in motion, he got all fancied up in his best Dark Lord kit. It was better, in his opinion, than the previous Dark Lord outfit. The helmet made him look taller. He hoped Nienna noticed.
7) Silmarils
The Silmarils were much hotter than they looked. Melkor was starting to regret not wearing thermally insulated gloves.
8) Sauron
Sauron had been sitting around in a deep pit for a long time with nobody to talk to but orcs and balrogs, and they weren't the best conversationalists. Therefore it is reasonable to assume that he was very happy when Melkor came back. He had invented seventeen new words during his long sit and wanted to try them out on someone who might notice. He was particularly proud of "pensient", a word which he figured did not apply to orcs and balrogs at all.
Unfortunately, when Melkor finally showed up he was a bit squished and hadn't the slightest interest in new words. In fact, he said that new words reminded him of Fëanor, and Fëanor reminded him of the Silmarils, and the Silmarils reminded him of the pain in his hand and the fact that he should have worn thermally insulated gloves.
This was too complicated a train of thought for Sauron, who had been sitting in a pit for a long time thinking about orcs and balrogs and occasionally new words. In Sauron's mind, Melkor thought too much. Valar are simply too pensient for their own good.
9) Nickname
Fëanor followed Melkor out of Aman. He brought a new name for Melkor with him, "Morgoth". The new name was harder to say than the old one. Melkor thought this difficulty might help to instil marginally more fear into his enemies, so he adopted it. He had Sauron notify everyone of the change.
10) War
Elves are entirely too flammable, Morgoth noted. And they die too easily. This evil thing was starting to get a bit boring.
11) Light
When the moon rose, it scared the pants off of everyone in Angband. The sun caused an even worse scenario. Suddenly things were challenging again. Morgoth grinned in anticipation of the upcoming centuries. Also because he just plain liked watching orcs run around squawking in confusion.
12) Siege
"If my orcs are too weak to break down the siege," Morgoth said to himself, "I will just have wait and break it down with boredom." He made immediate preparations for a long wait, and thought that now might be a good time to start writing his memoires.
13) Conversation
"Look at those Elves!" said Morgoth.
"I see them," said Sauron.
"They are ruining my landscape!" said Morgoth.
"What are they doing?" asked Sauron.
"They are planting things in my barren wasteland!" said Morgoth.
"Elves are too fond of planting things," said Sauron.
"They will ruin the view," said Morgoth.
14) Hobby
One day a few of the orcs got around to wondering what Morgoth did in his spare time. As far as they knew, he mostly sat around on his throne all day, and they figured that to be deadly boring. Surely he must have hobbies.
The bravest of the group went to find out. When he came back, he was missing two fingers and his nose was a new shape. But at least then the orcs knew what Morgoth's hobby was.
15) Battle
Glaurung may have been driven back, but at least the fire got rid of those damn plants. Morgoth nodded in satisfaction when he saw that his view had returned.
16) Fingolfin
Everyone was surprised when Fingolfin charged up and knocked at the door. They were even more surprised when he challenged Morgoth to a duel. And they were just plain shocked when he called Morgoth a coward. Morgoth laughed hollowly in reply and grabbed his big hammer of smiting.
Afterward, all the orcs were curious as to why Morgoth walked with a limp, but nobody dared to ask. Morgoth was in one of those moods again.
17) Boring
Now that Sauron was gone to Tol-in-Gaurhoth, there was nothing to do around Angband. Morgoth would simply have to lower his standards and look among the orcs and balrogs.
18) Homesick
Sometimes Morgoth thought about his nice black house back in Valmar. But then he looked around at the wasteland view, the smoking fissures, the treacherous mountains, and the burning piles of wreckage and the nostalgia went away in a puff of pride accompanied by a general sense of accomplishment. This was where he truly belonged, after all.
19) Wrath
In hindsight, Morgoth really should have quit while he was ahead. One former Vala against all the host of the West really didn't make for good odds.
20) Void
As Morgoth floated chained by Angainor in the furthest reaches of the Void, he thought to himself for the millionth time that Manwë was a real wanker.
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